Jolly Laugher Pillows

"Yes, they offer free delivery. But when an on-line seller laughs, does their belly shake like a bowl full of jelly?"

"I warned you not to use that club...now look, you struck oil!"

"And when you realized it was the wrong tree, why do you think you kept barking up it?"

"Eureka!!" "Guess again, Einstein."

Police Lineup Escape

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

'Don't get your hopes up, I'm only laughing excessively...'

'Sorry. Your accident insurance doesn't cover that kind of incident.'

'Never go berry pickin' on an empty stomach.'

"You've been around here longer than I have. What are 'congressional ethics'?"

"A cashier told me to have a nice day and I didn't. Am I liable or can I sue her?"

Coast to coast.

'But we've got laws on the books now that we can't enforce!'

Jury Bribes.

'Litigate not, least ye be litigated against!'

'The Wedge. I thought you asked me for the Wedgie.'

"And I told them not to use lactose for the last supper..."

"And here we have a very rare and unusual piece titled 'The Last Remaining Open Seat.'"

"I thought you said you were watching your weight!"

"How am I supposed to guide the sleigh with this mask on?"

'We're looking for a mother figure.'

You did what? I posted your last will and testament on all the social networks. Now everyone knows you left your feminine hygiene products to the Smithsonian. Why would you do that you @#$%^?! Ugly picture taken. Posting to Facebook … now. Well-played, cretin.

'Don't tell me we live in a litigious society... I ought to sue you for saying that!'

Escaping surgery.

'It's a tweet from heaven. They say if we don't stop watching them, they're going to tell God.'

'I drank to a lawyer's health, and now he's slapped me with a malpractice suit.'

"Any advance on 'cat wazz'?

'Both prosecution and defense must submit any unwritten laws in writing.'

"You bite me again and I'll sue."

'Well I'll be damned, you got me on a technicality.'

"That's OK. I'll get the next one."

'I don't teach my students about the Bill of Rights any more -- it just makes them unruly.'

'Mine is a rags to riches story. Actually, it's more like an off-the-rack to a $20 billion family hedge fund story.'

'People say that 'Money Talks'. Guys, I'd love to hear some.'

Bird Pool