Sporting Laugher Pillows

"I warned you not to use that club...now look, you struck oil!"

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

The breakup

'To show you I'm not all bad, I won't be letting you go until after 'Bring Your Child To Work Day'.'

"Eureka!!" "Guess again, Einstein."

'As a boss you'll find me hard, but fair. Actually, that's only half true.'

"We the jury, find the defendant to be as guilty as he looks."

'Never go berry pickin' on an empty stomach.'

"Oh, I'm sorry, Berger. I must have accidentally pressed the 'Sycophant' button."

"You've been around here longer than I have. What are 'congressional ethics'?"

"Listen, if this takes much longer I'll be late for work and I'll be a dead man!"

"A cashier told me to have a nice day and I didn't. Am I liable or can I sue her?"

Coast to coast.

'I said, I think I know whey you're finding it lonely at the top.'

'But we've got laws on the books now that we can't enforce!'

Jury Bribes.

'The computer must be on the blink if it sent a questionnaire to him!'

'The Wedge. I thought you asked me for the Wedgie.'

'Litigate not, least ye be litigated against!'

"And I told them not to use lactose for the last supper..."

"And here we have a very rare and unusual piece titled 'The Last Remaining Open Seat.'"

"It's amazing how they manage to endure despite all the lineup changes."

"I thought you said you were watching your weight!"

'I drank to a lawyer's health, and now he's slapped me with a malpractice suit.'

You did what? I posted your last will and testament on all the social networks. Now everyone knows you left your feminine hygiene products to the Smithsonian. Why would you do that you @#$%^?! Ugly picture taken. Posting to Facebook … now. Well-played, cretin.

'It's a tweet from heaven. They say if we don't stop watching them, they're going to tell God.'

Escaping surgery.

'Don't tell me we live in a litigious society... I ought to sue you for saying that!'

'We're looking for a mother figure.'

'Both prosecution and defense must submit any unwritten laws in writing.'

'Well I'll be damned, you got me on a technicality.'

"Yes, they offer free delivery. But when an on-line seller laughs, does their belly shake like a bowl full of jelly?"

'Never ever will I move by train again.'

"You bite me again and I'll sue."

"That's OK. I'll get the next one."