Liquid Laugher Pillows

"Any advance on 'cat wazz'?

"I warned you not to use that club...now look, you struck oil!"

'Would you care to see our wine list, water list, soda list, tea list, coffee list, single malt scotch list, or beer list?'

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

Alas poor Daisy, I knew her well!

"And when you realized it was the wrong tree, why do you think you kept barking up it?"

"As it happens, we don't produce any beer flavored wine."

Police Lineup Escape

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

"I'm addicted to water."

'That was so funny. I haven't booed that loudly in years.'

'Water is a valuable good and we should use it sparingly. That's why I'd like my Scotch straight.'

'...And zap him quick, before that bleeding-heart Governor gets back from vacation.'

"Here's the problem. Your computer isn't obsolete, you are."

"It was a typical 'His lawyer said/Her lawyer said' situation."

"It's a smart toaster. If you can't figure it out, press the 'Dumb It Down' button."

Decision on the flip of a coin...

"I don't care how it's pronounced, I want it."

"A cashier told me to have a nice day and I didn't. Am I liable or can I sue her?"

"I'm certain you're fine, but my attorney would like to see you naked."

Coast to coast.

"For a full third of my life I didn't drink. I was asleep!"

The Gingerbread Man's cousin, the hash cookie man.

'When I told him we had no wine, he just kept going.'

Aprés-ski, Aprés-curl, Aprés board

"I did follow my bliss. It wandered around in circles and then ended up at an Arby's in Hoboken."

"We have testimony that you walk like a duck and you quack like a duck. Tell the court - are you a duck?"

"I thought you said you were watching your weight!"

You did what? I posted your last will and testament on all the social networks. Now everyone knows you left your feminine hygiene products to the Smithsonian. Why would you do that you @#$%^?! Ugly picture taken. Posting to Facebook … now. Well-played, cretin.

'We're a little overcrowded in here, boys- pick a number between one and one hundred.'

Q. U. E.. F. The only time I know when they've been apart is when he was in "Iraq."

"You're the only one I know stilling calling people 'Uber' this and 'Uber' that."

'It's a tweet from heaven. They say if we don't stop watching them, they're going to tell God.'

"How am I supposed to guide the sleigh with this mask on?"

"I only read half of it."