Liquid Laugher Pillows

"Any advance on 'cat wazz'?

"I warned you not to use that club...now look, you struck oil!"

'Would you care to see our wine list, water list, soda list, tea list, coffee list, single malt scotch list, or beer list?'

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

Alas poor Daisy, I knew her well!

"And when you realized it was the wrong tree, why do you think you kept barking up it?"

Police Lineup Escape

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

"I'm addicted to water."

"It's a smart toaster. If you can't figure it out, press the 'Dumb It Down' button."

"Here's the problem. Your computer isn't obsolete, you are."

'That was so funny. I haven't booed that loudly in years.'

'Water is a valuable good and we should use it sparingly. That's why I'd like my Scotch straight.'

"It was a typical 'His lawyer said/Her lawyer said' situation."

'...And zap him quick, before that bleeding-heart Governor gets back from vacation.'

Decision on the flip of a coin...

"I'm certain you're fine, but my attorney would like to see you naked."

"A cashier told me to have a nice day and I didn't. Am I liable or can I sue her?"

"I don't care how it's pronounced, I want it."

Coast to coast.

The Gingerbread Man's cousin, the hash cookie man.

"For a full third of my life I didn't drink. I was asleep!"

'When I told him we had no wine, he just kept going.'

Aprés-ski, Aprés-curl, Aprés board

"I did follow my bliss. It wandered around in circles and then ended up at an Arby's in Hoboken."

"We have testimony that you walk like a duck and you quack like a duck. Tell the court - are you a duck?"

"I thought you said you were watching your weight!"

"How am I supposed to guide the sleigh with this mask on?"

'We're a little overcrowded in here, boys- pick a number between one and one hundred.'

"You're the only one I know stilling calling people 'Uber' this and 'Uber' that."

"Yes, they offer free delivery. But when an on-line seller laughs, does their belly shake like a bowl full of jelly?"

"I only read half of it."