Liquid Laughter Lover Pillows

"For a full third of my life I didn't drink. I was asleep!"

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

Snowprov

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

'How's everyone doing tonight - that is the question.'

'Would you care to see our wine list, water list, soda list, tea list, coffee list, single malt scotch list, or beer list?'

Acme-5000 Lie Detector

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

'Your Chef's Surprise, sir -- a sauteed whoopee cushion.'

Please stand by. As stocks soar, our announcer is having a fit of the giggles.

'She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me...'

"I had a consultation with a plastic surgeon. Now I have to decide whether I want to look old or look weird."

"You were ho-ho-hoing in your sleep again!"

"I'm addicted to water."

"I'm sorry I really can't take you seriously."

'Doors opening.' - 'Doors closing.' - 'Doors bored now.'

"Well, I deal with death and carrion every day: Laughing is a therapeutic way of avoiding depression..."

"Target in range. Ready... hug."

'What shall we watch - best security videos of 2013 or operating room bloopers, blunders and bleeps?'

Stop whispering in my ear, it tickles!

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

'Water is a valuable good and we should use it sparingly. That's why I'd like my Scotch straight.'

'Scientists have confirmed that smiling is contagious.'

'MILK FIGHT!'

'I'd like to have my name legally changed to 'Dot Com.''

"You have to have a sense of humour to work here."

'He doesn't get the jokes - he just laughs at the F-words.'

Laugh break

"The bad news is my doctor limited me to one glass of wine per day. The good news is I get to pick the glass."

'I hope he doesn't pick on ME!'

'You're not alone, Mr. Scrapp. A lot of hyenas are sensitive to laughter in the bedroom.'

Cracked Quacks Strip: Cosmetic surgeon mix up.