Liquid Laughter Lover Pillows

"For a full third of my life I didn't drink. I was asleep!"

"As it happens, we don't produce any beer flavored wine."

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

Snowprov

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

'How's everyone doing tonight - that is the question.'

Clown's Comedy Fart.

'Would you care to see our wine list, water list, soda list, tea list, coffee list, single malt scotch list, or beer list?'

Acme-5000 Lie Detector

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

Please stand by. As stocks soar, our announcer is having a fit of the giggles.

'Your Chef's Surprise, sir -- a sauteed whoopee cushion.'

'She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me...'

"I had a consultation with a plastic surgeon. Now I have to decide whether I want to look old or look weird."

'Doors opening.' - 'Doors closing.' - 'Doors bored now.'

"I'm sorry I really can't take you seriously."

"You were ho-ho-hoing in your sleep again!"

"I'm addicted to water."

"Well, I deal with death and carrion every day: Laughing is a therapeutic way of avoiding depression..."

"Target in range. Ready... hug."

'What shall we watch - best security videos of 2013 or operating room bloopers, blunders and bleeps?'

Stop whispering in my ear, it tickles!

Amy Schumer

'Scientists have confirmed that smiling is contagious.'

"No, dummy...that's not how we use a napkin!"

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

'Water is a valuable good and we should use it sparingly. That's why I'd like my Scotch straight.'

'MILK FIGHT!'

'I'd like to have my name legally changed to 'Dot Com.''

"The bad news is my doctor limited me to one glass of wine per day. The good news is I get to pick the glass."

Laugh break

Cracked Quacks Strip: Cosmetic surgeon mix up.

'I hope he doesn't pick on ME!'

'I've swapped the cooling fan for a heater: My laptop is working fine now...'