Liquid Laughter Lovers Pillows

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

"Oh, I like coming to the dentists. It's the only place where people actually ask me to spit!"

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

Snowprov

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

'How's everyone doing tonight - that is the question.'

Clown's Comedy Fart.

"I don't know whether to be mad that you had water this whole time or impressed with your commitment to the joke."

'Would you care to see our wine list, water list, soda list, tea list, coffee list, single malt scotch list, or beer list?'

Acme-5000 Lie Detector

'Your Chef's Surprise, sir -- a sauteed whoopee cushion.'

King and Jester

Please stand by. As stocks soar, our announcer is having a fit of the giggles.

'She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me...'

"I had a consultation with a plastic surgeon. Now I have to decide whether I want to look old or look weird."

"As it happens, we don't produce any beer flavored wine."

"I think you may have your gown on back to front."

"Well, I deal with death and carrion every day: Laughing is a therapeutic way of avoiding depression..."

"I'm sorry I really can't take you seriously."

"Target in range. Ready... hug."

'What shall we watch - best security videos of 2013 or operating room bloopers, blunders and bleeps?'

'Doors opening.' - 'Doors closing.' - 'Doors bored now.'

"Ok, ok, how's everyone feeling tonight besides a thousand dollars poorer?"

"You were ho-ho-hoing in your sleep again!"

"I'm addicted to water."

"...dry your eyes, m'boy, and always remember: Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Weep, and the world laughs AT you."

'A friendly reminder, Mr. Parker: There's only room for one long, raucous, 'what-a-stupid-question' laugh in this company, and it's not yours.'

'Scientists have confirmed that smiling is contagious.'

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

Produce Fuji Apples. I told you that's not how "fudgey" is spelled.

"No, dummy...that's not how we use a napkin!"

Amy Schumer

'Water is a valuable good and we should use it sparingly. That's why I'd like my Scotch straight.'

'That's odd. For most people, getting a pet helps lower blood pressure.'

'MILK FIGHT!'