Liquid Laughter Lovers Pillows

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

"Oh, I like coming to the dentists. It's the only place where people actually ask me to spit!"

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

Snowprov

'How's everyone doing tonight - that is the question.'

"I don't know whether to be mad that you had water this whole time or impressed with your commitment to the joke."

'Would you care to see our wine list, water list, soda list, tea list, coffee list, single malt scotch list, or beer list?'

Acme-5000 Lie Detector

King and Jester

Please stand by. As stocks soar, our announcer is having a fit of the giggles.

'Your Chef's Surprise, sir -- a sauteed whoopee cushion.'

'She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me...'

"I had a consultation with a plastic surgeon. Now I have to decide whether I want to look old or look weird."

"I think you may have your gown on back to front."

"I'm addicted to water."

"Target in range. Ready... hug."

'Doors opening.' - 'Doors closing.' - 'Doors bored now.'

"You were ho-ho-hoing in your sleep again!"

'What shall we watch - best security videos of 2013 or operating room bloopers, blunders and bleeps?'

"Ok, ok, how's everyone feeling tonight besides a thousand dollars poorer?"

"I'm sorry I really can't take you seriously."

"Well, I deal with death and carrion every day: Laughing is a therapeutic way of avoiding depression..."

'A friendly reminder, Mr. Parker: There's only room for one long, raucous, 'what-a-stupid-question' laugh in this company, and it's not yours.'

"...dry your eyes, m'boy, and always remember: Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Weep, and the world laughs AT you."

'Scientists have confirmed that smiling is contagious.'

'Water is a valuable good and we should use it sparingly. That's why I'd like my Scotch straight.'

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

'That's odd. For most people, getting a pet helps lower blood pressure.'

'MILK FIGHT!'

'I'd like to have my name legally changed to 'Dot Com.''