White Coat Wonder Pillows

'I would have come to you sooner, but you hadn't graduated from medical school yet.'

'Could you be more specific than you feel zucky?'

Claus 2.0

'Well, what do I have?...Within reason, of course.'

Cat Reunion

'Junior's writing has improved. His letters from college pleading for more money, are froceful and flawlessly written.'

'Look man, no wings!'

'The grudge match.'

'No spell-check?? And you call this HEAVEN??'

"I hate it..."

"Be or be not. There is no question."

'There's one app we can't give you ... aptitude.'

Cow in a vest: Well, I think I look like Bruce Willis!

'It was only a five minute job. Not worth changing out of his best clothes for'

She'd decided to apply for a species change...

"Jose Rivera, who wrote the screenplay for 'The Motorcycle Diaries,' is the first Puerto Rican screenwriter to be nominated for an Oscar. He's known for incorporating his life experiences into his award-winning writing."

Will Self deprecation

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

'Evan, I think your little sister may be trapped in there with you!. . . Jennifer! Are you in there, honey?'

Sportknitting

Are you sure you're not holding your breath?

'I thought I'd cut out the middle men.'

Before you feed him/After you feed him.

'Leonardo's Lament' - 'I have nothing to do.'

"I lick my fur and then rub against their legs. They think I'm being affectionate, but I'm actually just wiping cat spit on them."

'Word came from on high that managers had to develop their IT skills...'

"As you all know your dear deceased Aunt Bessie was a very devoted cat lover...."

'He got a splinter from his scratching post.'

Word Of God

'Workshop must-haves: a rubber drill.'

Why do you hate blockbuster movies? Why do you hate documentaries? I don't. I love spending two hours watching the very life I'm trying to escape. Oooh, fun, bittersweet insights into the complexities of living in modern life. Document this! My camera lens isn't wide enough.

"I'm working on a watercolor."

They say I get 152 channels.

"You've just proven that your job doesn't exist."

"Shaving off your three whiskers doesn't make you older!"