Weight-watching Wit Gifts

'Wait! Let me clip my nails first.'

"Still fat."

"I hate it when the damned things decide they need to get out and burn off some calories."

"Are these prices?" "No, that's our Calorie-fixe menu."

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

"Wow - Heavy, man"

'For heaven's sake, Lois, when are you going to give up this mad dieting of yours?' (woman falls through drain).

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

'Take one of these diet pills every time you regain consciousness.'

'Too many people in our state are overweight, Senator. They want fat-free pork.'

"Yes, if that towel weighs 25 lbs that would explain the reading."

"I thought you said I needed to get some 'extra size'."

"Hold on, hun... I'm just saying, losing four ounces in a month is better than gaining four ounces in a month!"

'Let me at it! Let me see!!'

Woman Weighing Herself on Two Scales.

Dieting Motivation.

Woman weighing herself while holding balloons

'How long has it been shaking like a bowl full of jelly when you laugh?'

'I'm putting you on a 'whatever tastes good, don't eat it' diet.'

'Good. Then there's no reason to stay on this diet any longer.'

'You strap it on and it monitors your eating habits -- it's called the 'Fudgebuster.''

Scales

"Would you buy the apple pie for me? I'm on the 'No You Don't!' Diet."

Fat man on scales.

No matter what I do, I still look more like a 'before' picture than an 'after' picture.

"I gained 10 pounds? I've brought my own bathroom scale for a second opinion."

Full fatHalf fatVirtually fat free.

Weight Gain Denial

Unfortunately my weight is like the stock market. In the short run it goes up and down, but over the long term in keeps reaching new heights.

"Well, Mr Eagle, coming to see me is the first positive step to get you to soar again..."

"Are you sure? It doesn't look like a diet pill!"

'Oh, for heaven sake, Emily. . . stop cheating and just go on a diet like everyone else!!!'

Snake liposuction.

'Of course I watch what I eat. How else could I catch it?'

"I wouldn't have to go on a diet if we hadn't gone metric."