Weight Loss Comic Appreciator Pillows

'It's the 'start tomorrow' diet. I've stuck to it religiously for 12 years.'

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

''Food miles' is a big issue, so I'm reducing the distance my food travels by moving my fridge into the living room.'

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

Fast Food Dieter

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

Weight Gain Denial

No, you don't need to be "gluten-free." I said "glutton-free"!

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

Before and After Holiday Diet

'I'm fat, I eat too much and my blood pressure is high. . . Have a beer and some chips but feel guilty about it.'

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

The real reason salad aids weight loss

"I'm having you fitted with a monitoring device that will help reduce blood glucose during meals by automatically signaling the brain to reduce food absorption. It's called a belt."

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

"Is it working?"

"Turns out it was all water weight."

Squirrels eating different types of nuts.

'Step One...a pie chart is not dessert.'

'Live there? I might as well wear it on my hips!'

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

Exercise and diet at the same time - open and close your refrigerator door 100 times.

'I'm on a strict diet... so no pie charts.'

"Imagine bread is a lot like the sun...It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist."

"Mr. Whopple, time to slow down on the veggie diet!"

Ernie's on a high-protein diet and craving foods he can't have. They're creeping into everything he says. Whatcha watching, Ernie? I'm trying to decide between "Game of Scones" and that zombie show, "The Walking Bread." Later I might watch some "Dancing with the Starch." Ernie, leave room for that political drama you enjoy so much. Oh yeah, I love binging on "House of Carbs"!

'Great. Looks like I'll be packing on more weight.'

"Will I be searched for chocolate when I board?"

"The diet section is located next to the snack bar."

"I'm a weight-loss motivator. I tell people that if they don't eat right and exercise, they will look like me."

'I think I just blew my diet. Do you know what the glycemic index is for a communion host?'

Diet for sharks