Wedding Wisdom Gifts

"The problem with asking people for money as a wedding gift is that they think we are bankers."

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

Bob's Marriage Advice: 'Geez, Bob. . . Now you're equating both marriage living in Florida to death?!!. . .Ah. . . so the restraining order by Disneyworld is still in effect?'

This is forever... till death do us part...

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

'We've postponed the wedding until we come up with something we can do at the ceremony that will become a viral video.'

"A word of advice, sir...when your wife reaches for another slice of pizza, never, ever say, 'Are you sure you should be eating that?'"

Bride is angry, as she notices that the groom figure on the cake is drunk.

'...Love, honor, cherish, and be careful what you wish for.'

"We'll be single again in Heaven, right?"

"Hold on—I'm getting information as to why these two should not be wed."

'Well, the marriage guidance counsellor advised us to share each others interests, didn't she?'

'Who has the rings and prenup?'

Parson and abandoned husband

"See? This is what I'm talking about! If you always show how happy you are to see everyone, you give them all the power in the relationship!"

'What do you mean, our marriage license has expired?'

The wedding cake as Holy Sacrament.

Groom decoration on wedding cake makes good his escape.

'He kept winking at one of the bridesmaids.'

Spark Notes Wedding Vows

'And do you,take Kevin to be your lawful wedded husband for three years or 50,000 miles?'

'Do you, Tenured, take this, Untenured, through sickness and health, to have and to hold from this day forward?'

'Stand up straight!'

'Debbie, does this mean it's over between you and I?'

"You need a husband transplant"

"Until the weapons of mass destruction are found."

'We believe in resolving a problem as soon as it arises.'

'Surprised she's getting married again. In lieu of wedding gifts, she's asking for donations to help retain a divorce lawyer.'

"I hope my next husband looks better in a tux than you do."

"I don't want a divorce, but I would like a gap year."

Just married.

'...I now pronounce you man and wife -- the ball's in your court.'

"I always cry at weddings because I'm philosophically opposed to the institution of marriage."

Nethead strip: Psycho analyst