Webmd Expert Gifts

"Let's make a deal, doc. I'll stop diagnosing myself on the internet when you start making house calls again."

A boy is sat at a desk, with five plaques implying different qualifications he has earned from using social media.

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

"So I'm perfectly healthy? That's good but will I still be able to research symptoms online and panic?"

"..Your analysis and medication would be perfect if you were a goat."

Tonight: Al Hari Kish, leading yoga expert, speaks on 'this topsy-turvy world'

"For the perfect sedative, take the juice from a bottle of whisky..."

Charlie's medical advice always went in one ear and out the other.

Mrs. Tree? A hockey ball hit your daughter. It's likely just a bad bruise. Whew! Though there could be a fracture, nerve damage or fatal blood clots. What? Don't worry. Our medical advisor is evaluating Twig right now. Can you sign this liability waiver? Her hand seems fine. Team lawyer.

'You have a harmless but highly irritating form of nervous disorder we call D.Y.I. - Diagnosing Yourself on the Internet.'

'If this warning label on cigarettes packets doesn't stop people smoking, nothing will.'

My husband is a world expert, but unfortunately it's only on maganese bronze.

"Interesting diagnosis. Now let's ask Google for a second opinion, shall we?"

"I find a good way to avoid stress is to close the curtains, climb into bed, and pull the covers over my head."

Let the profit-making begin!

"Can't I go anywhere without someone asking for free medical advice?"

"I have prescribed something to make you sleep better! Be careful not to take too many! If you do this side effect is headaches!"

'I wonder if they KNOW about each other?'

"Why does every disaster movie start with the government ignoring a scientist? Like that would ever happen."

"You've omitted your previous patient experience and recommendations from two other doctors."

"So, when you looked up your symptoms, did it say to complain about it incessantly but never seek treatment?"

Waiting room scene and signs that say 'Dr. Ooze's Clinic - As seen on TV.'

"And what would you consider your legacy to be, Dr. Fauci, when all of this is behind us?"

Dr. Fauci

"It's a good thing we caught this in time - An ingrown mustache can be VERY serious."

'I disagree with you, doctor. It's not just a hangnail. According to the Internet, it's a rare genetic disorder. . .'

"The doctor said he could see you at 2 or 3 turdy."

"I just thought I'd run the symptoms by you before I get a proper diagnosis on Google."

'It looks right, but actually it's very, very wrong.'

"My job is to confirm your 15 prescriptions are compatible."

"I looked up my symptoms on the Internet and I think I've got bovine spongiform encephalitis."

"Congratulations on becoming a Proctologist...bottoms up!"

Next time we're expecting a so called epidemic, we'll do nothing, with any luck it'll go some way to compensating for illegal immigration!

You should be clear and tell patients that Doctor Jones has an encyclopedic knowledge of diseases, not that he is "ill-informed."

Expert and Ex-Pert