Washington Insider Gifts

'Frankly, I don't know if I feel like having a cup of coffee or trying to misappropriate some funds.'

'I know the Oval Office is in the West Wing. I wonder what mischief goes on in the East Wing?'

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"National security adviser"

Round up all the king's horses and all the king's men for questioning.

'Sorry, Marx, but your writing ability doesn't meet our needs.'

"These few weeks off school have convinced me that I'm definitely a stay-at-home kid."

"Hold everything! I just thought up a terrific loophole!"

Man on left - 'What do you call a public servant who spends half their time doing private work?' Man on right - 'An MP?'

"I'll match donations when you match my tax payments."

"Dad, why does a huge beast like that let such a small bully control it?"

"Really? You'd like to be part of this?"

"Son, you're old enough now to learn about something we call 'compliance'...."

House vs. Senate

Fiscal cliff

'The Parkinson would be good PR, but should I wear the hair shirt or the sackcloth and ashes?'

"Will you two stop giggling every time I say 'assets'?"

"It's part of a deal I worked out with the I.R.S."

'These are our projected profits as capitalism self-destructs.'

'I was trying to predict future market trends and the computer blew up!'

The Filibuster.

'I stopped paying attention to polls since a poll showed voters prefer someone who ignores the polls.'

"Surprisingly, it's not in reverse order."

Man about executive: 'Success went to his head. There was plenty of room there.'

'I'm afraid we only publish A list celebrity cookbooks.'

"That's not how I had hoped they would promote my novel."

"You know how to whistle don't you Steve, you just put your lips together and blow. . . but I wouldn't recommend it."

"Great work on the annual report, John. It's fact-driven, yet delightfully unencumbered by reality!"

'Why does my opponent keep lying about me?', 'Because truth is stranger than fiction?'

'As a career goal, I'd like to work in government, get the goods on someone, and write a tell-all book.'

"Don't peddle your new book until the seminar's over."

"It's easy being a congressman once you let go of your grip of reality."

'Why aren't you guys profiling minorities like other las enforcement agencies?'

'I'm your husband. Surely you can tell me how many copies your book sold.'

'Offshoring is the future and I'm afraid we've founds a lawyer in Mumbai whose 46% better at being you for half the cost.'