Washington Insider Gifts

'Frankly, I don't know if I feel like having a cup of coffee or trying to misappropriate some funds.'

Official Washington Only Cares About the Mueller Report

'I know the Oval Office is in the West Wing. I wonder what mischief goes on in the East Wing?'

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

Round up all the king's horses and all the king's men for questioning.

"National security adviser"

'Sorry, Marx, but your writing ability doesn't meet our needs.'

"These few weeks off school have convinced me that I'm definitely a stay-at-home kid."

"Hold everything! I just thought up a terrific loophole!"

"I'll match donations when you match my tax payments."

"Dad, why does a huge beast like that let such a small bully control it?"

Man on left - 'What do you call a public servant who spends half their time doing private work?' Man on right - 'An MP?'

"Really? You'd like to be part of this?"

"Son, you're old enough now to learn about something we call 'compliance'...."

Fiscal cliff

House vs. Senate

'These are our projected profits as capitalism self-destructs.'

"It's part of a deal I worked out with the I.R.S."

'The Parkinson would be good PR, but should I wear the hair shirt or the sackcloth and ashes?'

"Will you two stop giggling every time I say 'assets'?"

'I was trying to predict future market trends and the computer blew up!'

The Filibuster.

'I stopped paying attention to polls since a poll showed voters prefer someone who ignores the polls.'

'I'm afraid we only publish A list celebrity cookbooks.'

Man about executive: 'Success went to his head. There was plenty of room there.'

'Why does my opponent keep lying about me?', 'Because truth is stranger than fiction?'

'As a career goal, I'd like to work in government, get the goods on someone, and write a tell-all book.'

"Great work on the annual report, John. It's fact-driven, yet delightfully unencumbered by reality!"

"You know how to whistle don't you Steve, you just put your lips together and blow. . . but I wouldn't recommend it."

"Surprisingly, it's not in reverse order."

"That's not how I had hoped they would promote my novel."

"Don't peddle your new book until the seminar's over."

"It's easy being a congressman once you let go of your grip of reality."

'I'm your husband. Surely you can tell me how many copies your book sold.'

'Why aren't you guys profiling minorities like other las enforcement agencies?'