Warrior With A Domestic Streak Pillows

"You'll have to wait, can't you see he's tied up for the moment?"

The Ferocious Viking Wiener Dog

"My dream is to have a little house and a white picket fence wired with explosives."

"I did seize the day. But then it seized me right back and used some kind of jujitsu move to flip me on my ass."

"Tell me when it's all cyber warfare, and I'll enlist!"

'Ahh...I see you travelling far and wide on a long fruitless mission but you still can't find a town centre parking space this Christmas...'

"Namaste."

'You're too aggressive.'

Jason and the Aga notes.

'Food has replaced sex in my life. Now I can't even get into my own pants.'

'Certain names and places in my 'What I did over the weekend' report have been changed to protect the innocent.'

"I hope you don't think that music while I waited soothed me."

The five stages of laundry 1. Denial I'll do it tomorrow. 2. Anger Why are there no clean clothes!? 3. Bargaining Ok! Who wants to help with the laundry? 4. Depression Can't. Do. It. 5. Acceptance

Fighting With Yourself

"It's tough sticking to a diet when you're surrounded by temptation."

Woman throwing away smoking accessories

'I don't have a shortage of willpower. I have an excess of fairness.'

Bruce Lee with dangerous mouse.

Statue of a housewife.

"I don't care how busy you are as the Easter Bunny....it's not going to kill you to watch the kids for a while!"

"Don't just stand there Howard - SWAT IT!!!"

'You can't beat home groan.'

"Main floor, aisle six, ladies' scarves. Shopper down."

"Leave those,dear - I bought some at the supermarket."

'Mum, when you've finished your full-time job, cleaned the house, sorted the laundry, made the meals and walked the dog could you sort out these bills for me?'

'No matter what I do I can't get rid of his squid marks.'

Genghis Khan

Man catching drips from ceiling in rubber glove.

"We'll stop for a bread, water and toilet break at 11.30... on Tuesday."

'Nothing heightens the suspense of a good movie like buffering.'

"For goodness sake, Richard, it's supposed to relieve your stress...it doesn't matter if you colour outside the lines!"

'Now that he's retired I've shown him where the hoover is.'