Wannabe Parent Pillows

'I'm sorry Mrs Jones, but according to these results your womb is extremely inhospitable, and your husband's sperm is gay.'

Parenting Academy...I failed insemination.

Zorro as a child.

"Next, I'd like to play 'Guantanamera.'"

World's Best Dad. I don't know. I thought they were with you. World's Best Mom.

Runs-With-Scissors Boy - Part One

"It was Socrates, wasn't it, who said, 'The unexamined life is not worth living'?"

'I think winning that last hand went to Bob's head, because he now has an entourage.'

As Seen On TV

'I don't see how you can put your profession as TV star just because you were in the crowd of Match of the Day!'

'My 434 novels are very similar to Terry Pratchetts apart from the fact that they've never been published.'

Everyone in Tinseltown deserves 15 minutes of obscurity.

How to win Genius Grants for Dummies!

"There comes a time, Little Buddy, when you have to just accept that you'll never be famous....that your life will never be adapted for television and that when you die, only five or six people will truly care."

"I think we're ready for the big move up from shed band to full garage band."

Before and After Tattoos.

A young boy shaving

'I love you, Mom, but I'm going to live with the Obamas now and be the first son.'

Trying to thumb his nose at authority, Lumpy stuck his thumb in his eye! Man covering eye with his hand.

I'm emulating my dad - running around with mags like this. Looking smart...and in truth I'm just reading the funnies and the horoscopes!

"I failed insemination!"

"Well, if we're playing tackle football I'll be the coach!"

'Never, Ever...try to imitate LeBron James on the basketball court.'

"Carry yourself like everyone knows you, ad everyone you meet will feel like they should know you."

Home-Schooling Small Talk...

After the cutbacks at flight simulator school. . .

"We're only here summers, but Roger likes to be taken for a local."

Bob tried living off the land. But the land soon got tired of Bob not pulling his weight, and kicked him out.

"From now on let's do our drawings inside the cave."

"I've got a part in a soap."

Home Station. Ernie thought he was going to be a big movie star. What that didn't happen, he got a job here at the household goods store. How his favorite event of the year is this springtime parking lot sale where all of the warm weather items are brought out. There are variable-speed models, ones that are energy efficient. He gets to put on his sunglasses and and say ... As you can see, I have a huge number of fans!

"I can try all I want, but there's no way I look smooth on this bike!"

"I can grant you three fishes."

"Sure raising my allowance is great, daddy, but what I want is power of attorney!"