Wannabe Wisher Pillows

"I can grant you three fishes."

"Well if I can't be a cowboy I'll be a lawyer for cowboys."

New Guy.

"Look! I can almost spot the bar I should be in right now!"

"It was Socrates, wasn't it, who said, 'The unexamined life is not worth living'?"

'I think winning that last hand went to Bob's head, because he now has an entourage.'

As Seen On TV

"You want England to win what!? Put me back in the lamp!"

Parenting Academy...I failed insemination.

Grocer with pretensions of being a soldier

Your Palm

"There comes a time, Little Buddy, when you have to just accept that you'll never be famous....that your life will never be adapted for television and that when you die, only five or six people will truly care."

Everyone in Tinseltown deserves 15 minutes of obscurity.

'I'm sorry Mrs Jones, but according to these results your womb is extremely inhospitable, and your husband's sperm is gay.'

What do you wish for next year?

"I think we're ready for the big move up from shed band to full garage band."

Before and After Tattoos.

"So a plumber charges $600 for 45 minutes' work?! Is that the coolest job or what?!"

I'm emulating my dad - running around with mags like this. Looking smart...and in truth I'm just reading the funnies and the horoscopes!

'I love you, Mom, but I'm going to live with the Obamas now and be the first son.'

A young boy shaving

Dave's new nail gun revived the childhood ambitions he'd had before realizing that he could earn more as a carpenter than as a hero.

'Be reasonable, son - even Santa couldn't get a horse into a box THAT size!'

"Pick any three items and they're yours"

Random things I miss: Deciding on a holiday

The Island

"Carry yourself like everyone knows you, ad everyone you meet will feel like they should know you."

"We're only here summers, but Roger likes to be taken for a local."

Be careful what you wish for. . .

"I've got a part in a soap."