Wall Street Wit Gifts

News on television: 'On Wall Street, stocks rebounded on news that 'up' and 'down' are just states of mind.'

"I was a stockbroker first, but when I realized how much time I spent praying, I figured, what the heck?"

"Gentlemen, we're missing a great opportunity by not hitching this company to the current tailspin."

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

Hang on...I've got WINGS..!!!

"For cryin' out loud, Frank, we don't have all day! Cut to the cheese!"

"When we changed the company name, the stocks went through the roof!"

'My interpretation is that it deals with the artist's utter frustration over the scarcity of remaining, reasonable equity values.'

That Awkward Moment When You Discover That Wall Street's Insanity Is Helping You

"I hope you're not going to let this I.P.O. affect your grades."

"Now that's how to declare a dividend!"

"I had a low birth weight but a high birthright."

'Dow, Jones, Russell & Nikkei - Leading economic indicators.'

'Mr Rombly has cancelled his appointment. The Dow is up and he's feeling no pain.'

'The latest market research shows that men's neckware width is the most accurate indicator of market fluctuations.'

'Twenty percent bluechips, ten percent small-caps, five percent currency hedges and the remainder in cash. Get that list to Santa right away.'

'You simply put up a minimum of $2,500. If the price of fish goes up, your investment goes up. If the price of the fish goes down, your investment goes down.'

"We'll be single again in Heaven, right?"

'So, in 2079 you see the company breaking even. Can you give me some idea where you see things 10 years after that?'

Man leaving 'Wall St, closed-end mutual funds' building with hand full of money.

'No doubt about it, John, zero does represent a critical support level for this stock.'

'...But the good news is your old Enron stock has become a high-priced collectible!'

Man sees 'Palm Readings and Stock Projections' business window

'Just this once, but I want a piece of the action.'

Pork Bellies.

"Today big pharma stocks rose on news 'down' is a state of mind that can be treated by pharmaceuticals."

If only we could sell shares in doom and gloom.

'No, your stock didn't split. The fact it's worth half of what it was yesterday is just an amazing coincidence.'

'But the short term view is very good.'

A stripe of stockbrokers

'Your indestructible portfolio will go kablooey just before your indestructible marriage goes kablooey.'

The New Square Mile Regulator.

"Good news. Pork bellies just dropped four points."

'They ought to change the name of this deli to The Cramer - they get it wrong 50 of the time.'

"All agreed? We buy low and sell high."