Wall Street Wit Pillows

News on television: 'On Wall Street, stocks rebounded on news that 'up' and 'down' are just states of mind.'

"I was a stockbroker first, but when I realized how much time I spent praying, I figured, what the heck?"

"Gentlemen, we're missing a great opportunity by not hitching this company to the current tailspin."

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

Hang on...I've got WINGS..!!!

"For cryin' out loud, Frank, we don't have all day! Cut to the cheese!"

"When we changed the company name, the stocks went through the roof!"

'My interpretation is that it deals with the artist's utter frustration over the scarcity of remaining, reasonable equity values.'

"I hope you're not going to let this I.P.O. affect your grades."

"Now that's how to declare a dividend!"

"I had a low birth weight but a high birthright."

'Dow, Jones, Russell & Nikkei - Leading economic indicators.'

'Mr Rombly has cancelled his appointment. The Dow is up and he's feeling no pain.'

'The latest market research shows that men's neckware width is the most accurate indicator of market fluctuations.'

'You simply put up a minimum of $2,500. If the price of fish goes up, your investment goes up. If the price of the fish goes down, your investment goes down.'

'No doubt about it, John, zero does represent a critical support level for this stock.'

Man leaving 'Wall St, closed-end mutual funds' building with hand full of money.

'So, in 2079 you see the company breaking even. Can you give me some idea where you see things 10 years after that?'

"We'll be single again in Heaven, right?"

'...But the good news is your old Enron stock has become a high-priced collectible!'

Man sees 'Palm Readings and Stock Projections' business window

'Just this once, but I want a piece of the action.'

'But the short term view is very good.'

The New Square Mile Regulator.

'They ought to change the name of this deli to The Cramer - they get it wrong 50 of the time.'

"Today big pharma stocks rose on news 'down' is a state of mind that can be treated by pharmaceuticals."

'Your indestructible portfolio will go kablooey just before your indestructible marriage goes kablooey.'

"All agreed? We buy low and sell high."

'No, your stock didn't split. The fact it's worth half of what it was yesterday is just an amazing coincidence.'

"Good news. Pork bellies just dropped four points."

'Son, someday you're going to be short all of this.'

Apples...37 Spinach...43 Peaches...51

If only we could sell shares in doom and gloom.

A stripe of stockbrokers