Wake-up Call Survivors Gifts

'Oh, Ran-dee! Wakey-wakeys! You're doing a triple bypass on Mrs. Pacala at 8:30. Re-mem-ber? Out of bed, Mr. Lazy Bones!'

'A representative will be with you in twelve minutes... so, if you have to go to the bathroom, please go now...'

'If you want to hear the ocean, press one.'

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

"If you want to talk to someone uninterested, press 1..."

'You've waited on hold 45 minutes just to speak to my boss? Seriously, sir, get a life!'

"To hear the sounds of the seas press 1, for all other options, or, to speak with a customer advisor, please press 2."

Due to higher-than-usual caller volume, your wait-time is nine minutes. That's over an hour in wolverine minutes.

"Dang it."

'A telemarketing call for you, Sir.'

'Where do you see yourself five years from now?'

"It was just a near-death experience, but while you're here, would you help me with this computer?"

"This alarm clock is guaranteed to wake you. It's sounds like a husband snoring."

"And a 'good morning' to you, too"

"... Or, if you're tired of listening to all of these automated options and would like to cancel your call, press 9."

"I'm sorry – you have the wrong language."

"Heading back to the office after a year of daily zoom meetings."

"In the time I’ve been on hold with this collection agency, my debt has been bought and sold to another collection agency!"

Whack Your Alarm Clock

'And just FYI, I was a caterpillar when you first put me on hold!'

"My last job was as a mine interpreter...I would go to a park and describe what the mime was trying to convey."

"Can you handle a variety of jobs?"

'Are you sure it's non-drowsy? I cannot afford to oversleep...'

'Not another powerpoint sermon!'

"Faked by a snake selling rakes."

"Your car warranty is about to expire..."

"If you would like to listen to music while you are on hold press 1, If you would like some quiet time to work out how much this call is costing press 2, if...."

"Your meeting's over. You can relax you zoom face now."

Reverend Quinby visits the holdy land

"If you are angry at being kept on hold, press 1, if you are furious press 2, if you are apoplectic with rage ..."

If you would be willing to take a short survey at the end of this call, press "1". If you would like to risk being punished for not taking the survey by being kept on hold for an extra 10 minutes, press "2."

"I'm never visiting earth again! Ever since we got back I've been getting nothing but robocalls and spam."

'Funny how talking to an automated voice system makes YOU sound like the robot.'

'Look, I can get up bright, or I can get up early - I can't do both!'

"There's no need to keep calling to remind us, sir. You'll get your wake-up call at the time you specified. Understand? Now stop calling."