Waiting Room Humor Gifts

"My age is 55 but when I came in I was still 54..."

"His first out-of-body experience."

'OK, the old one's in my right hand, the donor's in my left. Rght?'

Swiss army hospital...'scalpel...'

'No, Mr. Simmons, your MR images aren't in yet. We have older equipment, which takes a little longer to process.'

"Because we dismissed his original self-diagnosis, he wants to give us his second opinion."

You're next, Mr. Kimble - right after his apple danish.

'It's nothing that a few stem cells and 75 years of research can't fix.'

'Sorry, staff shortage.'

STRIP Hambone: Businessman in hospital with his computer

'You seem quieter tonight. Did they give you something to help you relax?'

'Sorry the doctor is running behind. You can keep today's appointment or I can fit you in tomorrow...whichever comes first.'

'I only got up for a drink of water, and a queue's formed next to my bed.'

'Veins...arteries...I told you I can never tell one from another.'

'Well I haven't had a chance to review all your readings in depth, but if I were to be forced to make an educated guess I'd say that your were knackered!'

'I know my instruments are sterilized every day but I have no idea who does it.'

'I suppose the word 'patient' is used because that's what you have to be!'

"Your sins are forgiven, but not your co-pay."

'What's for desert?'

Medical Center.

Jelly I.V.

'Sure we're underfunded, but we manage!'

'The doctor will be right with you shortly, he's finishing medical school.'

'You think you have it rough. Try organizing a waiting room.'

'Dr. Bone's first opening for a new patient is 2 months from now. Will that work for you?'

"When they said they were bringing in students I thought they meant MEDICAL students."

'We've got a personal hygiene foul! Number 70!... Fifteen yards!!'

"The doctor says Tia Carmen is resting now...he's encouraging all family visitors to go home. We'll see you back here tomorrow."

'Hold it RIGHT there, buster! Nobody leaves the floor before signing out first!'

"Just to be on the safe side, I'd like to start an aggressive course of billing you."

'Slap me and I'll see you in court.'

"I'm afraid the diagnosis isn't good."

"Do you want to speak to the man in charge or the nurse who knows what's going on?"

'Remember the NHS ethos; if it ain't broke, break it. Then make sure it can't be mended.'

'You need a heart transplant, maybe two.'