Waistband Strategist Gifts

"My pants are too big, but they will fit again if I just eat a whole load of pizza and beer. It will be cheaper than buying a new pair!"

I can't decide. Should I go to soccer camp 3 weeks in a row? Or soccer, then baseball then lacrosse camp? 3 soccers. Isn't overspecializing at his age bad? Possibly. But 3 different sports means�buying 3 different sets of expensive equipment. Right, He does have a mean corner kick.

'How about a game of cards?'

it my imagination or is it getting warmer?"

"To be clear, I said I want your 'A' game, not your 'Eh?' game."

"Ok, Ok! The ball wasn't out!"

"Now, suppose some guy comes at you balanced between two blocks."

'You should have taken up the game earlier.'

I have been working so hard I haven't gone to the gym in ages. You've been trying to make ends meet and forgot about the middle!

'At least we don't have to accomplish anything in order to go to a bowl game.'

"My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick-boxing!"

A tourist struggling with loads of luggage

"This trip, we'd like to go everywhere our luggage goes."

'It's for the girl who's in a hurry.'

'Good to know my whole social life hasn't been a complete waste.'

Snail Coach

Shrink

'The Parkinson would be good PR, but should I wear the hair shirt or the sackcloth and ashes?'

Full fatHalf fatVirtually fat free.

'Sure it looks bad now, but try to imagine it with the right shoes.'

"I can't remember if I'm off red meat, or eating nothing but red meat."

"At these prices, what do you expect?"

'Never mind another doctor -- I'm referring you to the Bureau of Weights and Measures.'

Boxing Trainer: 'And watch out for this fella. He has a huge Left Hook.'

'Governor game change and his replacement debate moderators...'

"Come on, Lucky Lady!"

Boxing

Wearing all black

"Duh!"

'The classic pinstripe with construction boots delivers the authoritative butt-kicking power needed for Monday morning meetings.'

'After all these years of purposely losing to the boss, I beat the pulp out of him and turned in my resignation.'

'Uh-oh. That's the 'special' whistle. ... This is going to be a major penalty.'

"What!?"

"I see we're all going into this interview a little superstitious."

'Swimwear taketh away. Footwear giveth back.'