Vow Improviser Pillows

'I do, but no promises.'

Bad Timbre: the world's first Garage Philharmonic Orchestra

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

Jazz is Invented

The Hammer

'OK, the worn out carpeting proves I snack too much. Only one thing to do. Tomorrow I get prices on hardwood floors.'

'I made a Valentine's Day card for you. The school has no art supplies so I wrote the color in.'

"I'm fascinated by your résumé, particularly the advertising supplement."

"...for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death or litigation do you part?"

"You may now kiss the bride."

'Well, you always said you wanted a water feature for the garden.'

Your performance since you came here suggests you may have lied on your resume.

The Augie Twins write music strictly for their own amusement.

"My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references."

"You're not giving me the job because I'm 'over qualified'? Oh, don't worry, most of those qualifications have been falsified."

"The couple will now exchange vows they wrote themselves, because I guess mine weren't good enough, but, whatever, let's see what you've got."

'Do you promise to love, honor, and kiss the bed covers goodbye?'

'We've run out of one-man plays - why not make it up with the rest of the drama group?'

"Thanks for coming in again. Sorry about the last time. I must have pulled the wrong lever by mistake."

"It's just until the air conditioning in our house is fixed."

"The line in the script was actually 'Woof woof,' but, when we started shooting, 'Bow wow' came out, and the rest is history."

I work all day landscaping. I'm too tired to do all the yard work at home. Teddy, you're big enough to use my power tools. I know exactly who to call for help. Tap tap tap. Not the power tool I was referring to.

'We added on to the couch.'

'And do you, Sarah, promise never to Google his ex-wife?'

"Are you, Michael on the same page as Melissa?"

Thesaurus Editors Applicants,Candidates,Entrants,Inquirers,Job-seekers.

"For better for worse. For richer for poorer. I sickness and in health....I warned you these vows were extremely graphic."

"Woah! Where's it say that?"

"We can't scrub the 'forsaking all others' bit."

Washing Line - "I thought you wanted a clothes dryer."

'I refuse to say 'Cross my heart and hope to die'.'

'Sometimes if things blow onto the canvas I just leave em there.'

'So, what part of the house are we delivering shock and awe to this weekend?'

'So one day I said to myself, 'What am I doing living in this run down house when I could be living on my boat?'

'Don't I get to read the small print?'