Vineyard Worker T-Shirts

'Thank goodness the FDA now requires us to number each grape. We were almost caught up around here.'

'Yeah, I think it has too much tannin, too.'

'Yeah, I've got the new guy working on table wines. He seems to be getting the hang of it.'

'Have you ever crushed grapes, Mr Bigfoot?'

Please Wash Feet Before Returning To Work

Winery: Employees Must Wash Feet Before Returning to Work.

'It's your wife; she wants you to pick something up.'

'So, when's the picking crew arriving?'

'Sell some? But then there'd be less for me.'

'My first day in our vineyard wasn't a total loss, honey. I found two pennies.'

'I should never have admitted I was a grape-treader down there!'

'Bruce! 'ow many times must I tell 'ya? Only one wave of the bloomin' terroir flag over the fruit!'

'Talk about wild yeast!'

'No, the other kind.'

"Pierre, this is the third time this week you've fallen in."

"Wow, a full vat of grapes in 32 seconds! You're hired!"

The Vineyard

Wine Lady

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

Wine enthusiast tries to make his way to Cork.

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

"I make it myself!"

'We drove 800 miles for this? If I wanted to look at a roomful of dusty bottles, we could have visited your mother.'

"If the weather stays good, we could end up in a very prestigious 1992 Cabernet Sauvignon."

'Who's the new guy?'

An Excellent Nose for Wine.

On Champagne: 'Nobody knows the bubbles I've seen.'

"Dad, can we please just buy a week wacker?"

Spiro & Pusho: watering the vine and the neighbour.

Wine tasting

"I've tried that one; it's a blend of 74 different red grapes - including two of the plastic decorative type."

My friend, Ernie, the documentary filmmaker, is producing a series about beverages. One film follows a man's search for the perfect lager. The working title is "The Beer Hunter." He found a group of young women in high school who are fantastic baristas. "Bean Girls." Espresso. Another movie will uncover animosity in the orange juice business. Maybe I should call it "Pulp Friction." And he's examining vineyards and winemakers all over the globe. I'll call the film "Planet of the Grapes"!

'The first rule of enjoying fine wine is to make sure you and the wine are in the same room.'

"Soy milk and rice milk are okay but I prefer grape milk.".

'The yeast cells are flocculating? - I don't think the kids are ready for that.'