Vineyard Vagabond T-Shirts

'The brochure says their wines are distinctive. I think I know why.'

'No wonder they call themselves Miracle Vineyards. The label says this red is 50 Merlot, 50 Cabernet and 50 Sangiovese.'

The Vineyard

'Well, now that I know he's the owner's son, yes, he's the best damned wine steward I've ever seen.'

Wine Lady

"First Lady Lettuce goes missing, then Colonel Crouton followed by Reginald Radish... Great Caesar's Ghost! Someone is making a salad!"

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

Wine enthusiast tries to make his way to Cork.

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

"I make it myself!"

'They say you have to drink 4 times as much merlot as pinot noir to get the same level of anti-oxidants. Isn't that just too, too bad?'

'We drove 800 miles for this? If I wanted to look at a roomful of dusty bottles, we could have visited your mother.'

Man with wine glass face looks unhappy.

"If the weather stays good, we could end up in a very prestigious 1992 Cabernet Sauvignon."

'Who's the new guy?'

On Champagne: 'Nobody knows the bubbles I've seen.'

Spiro & Pusho: watering the vine and the neighbour.

Wine tasting

'The first rule of enjoying fine wine is to make sure you and the wine are in the same room.'

"Soy milk and rice milk are okay but I prefer grape milk.".

"I've tried that one; it's a blend of 74 different red grapes - including two of the plastic decorative type."

'The yeast cells are flocculating? - I don't think the kids are ready for that.'

Nouveau wine

'Mmm... the bouquet flickers around the nose like butterflies sweetly scented by the shower from a the milk of a goddesses breasts.'

"To tourists this just looks like a pile of rotten and damaged grapes. But here at Trendy Vineyards, we look at it and see Special Select Reserve."

Wine connoisseur in search of new vintage.(Wine)

"This family-owned boutique wine is produced from a single grape."

"Wine is plant-based food."

"Now this is a Francis Ford Coppola. We still haven't been here quite long enough to be drinkable ourselves."

'I think we can skip the resume.'

"Let me guess. You had it up to here with the world of business, so you packed it all in and started your own winery."

Man crushing grapes with flippers.

'Move? Are you kidding? With the wines the guy next door collects?'

"If working 12 hours a day in a winery is making you crazy, get a hobby - like making homemade wine."

"It's an agreeable little wine."