Vineyard Management Gifts

"That's not our logo. That's the company's flowchart."

"Relax, Pop. Payroll is down and production is up."

'No, I haven't gotten around to crushing the grapes, but I think have them pretty well intimidated.'

The Vineyard

'Plastic corks, then screw caps; when they come out with a flip-n-sip Chateau Petrus I'm hanging up my tastevin.'

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

Wine enthusiast tries to make his way to Cork.

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

'In Love'

"I make it myself!"

'As Chuck's definition of terroir dragged past the 20-minute mark, Suzy concluded, the longer the explanation, the less likely you know what the word means.'

'This is the last time we hire former Cirque du Soleil members as stompers.'

'We drove 800 miles for this? If I wanted to look at a roomful of dusty bottles, we could have visited your mother.'

"If the weather stays good, we could end up in a very prestigious 1992 Cabernet Sauvignon."

'Who's the new guy?'

An Excellent Nose for Wine.

On Champagne: 'Nobody knows the bubbles I've seen.'

Spiro & Pusho: watering the vine and the neighbour.

Wine tasting

'The first rule of enjoying fine wine is to make sure you and the wine are in the same room.'

'There's over 500,000 different wines? Bernie, we've got work to do!'

"As it happens, we don't produce any beer flavored wine."

"I've tried that one; it's a blend of 74 different red grapes - including two of the plastic decorative type."

My friend, Ernie, the documentary filmmaker, is producing a series about beverages. One film follows a man's search for the perfect lager. The working title is "The Beer Hunter." He found a group of young women in high school who are fantastic baristas. "Bean Girls." Espresso. Another movie will uncover animosity in the orange juice business. Maybe I should call it "Pulp Friction." And he's examining vineyards and winemakers all over the globe. I'll call the film "Planet of the Grapes"!

'The yeast cells are flocculating? - I don't think the kids are ready for that.'

'Do you do anything with the old casks?'

Nouveau wine

"Now this is a Francis Ford Coppola. We still haven't been here quite long enough to be drinkable ourselves."

'I think we can skip the resume.'

'Bruce! 'ow many times must I tell 'ya? Only one wave of the bloomin' terroir flag over the fruit!'

'This is the vineyard the US government started 10 years ago, with $2 billion and a staff of 1,500. No wine yet, but I hear they've nearly got a slogan.'

'Did you hear? We have a new slogan: Artisan-crafted wine made the old-world way.'

Wine connoisseur in search of new vintage.(Wine)

"To tourists this just looks like a pile of rotten and damaged grapes. But here at Trendy Vineyards, we look at it and see Special Select Reserve."

'Mmm... the bouquet flickers around the nose like butterflies sweetly scented by the shower from a the milk of a goddesses breasts.'