Video Director Gifts

"When I was young, music and lyrics were important! Now it's all about production...it's all jiggly butts, smoke, sexy clothes and crazy videos!"

"Looks like we found the issue."

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

'Finally! A meeting with one of the bigwigs.'

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

James Bond in a Snow Globe

Showbiz Awards

Director/Action Man toy.

Benedict Cumberbatch

'Believing any filming experience may help launch acting careers, some even stage their appearances before closed circuit cameras.'

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

Producer, Director and Novelizer.

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

'AT&T? I'm letting you go. I'm down-sizing too!'

Golfing Boss

Bo're'droom

Business meeting, CEO is dressed strangely as he asks: 'Any questions?'

'Take a few days off. Suck some necks ...'

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

"Well, what did you expect? They were both missing vital organs."

"Welcome to Off-Off-Off Broadway."

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

"Hey grandpa, tell us more about the time you were in that Steven Spielberg movie."

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

'The good news is I had a very good year.'

"This software will cut my workload in half, so I purchased two."

He was destined for greatness. Whatever that meant.

"They've remained remarkably faithful to the text."

'He had a meteoric rise to the top.'

'We haven't improved quality, but we've made it easier to return.'

"I remember when the death of the hero meant the end of the sequels. Now it marks the beginning of the prequels."