Vice Sermonizers Gifts

"I get the feeling he's a smoker."

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

Free speech isn't cheap!

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

BIBLE STORIES, 'This is full of battle and other BOY stuff - not a single romantic comedy!'

"I sympathize with how important it is to you, John... but I simply can't bless your lure!"

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

Today's Sermon: We come into this world with nothing and we leave with nothing. Is there any chance of a bailout?

Church: Open Sundays

'Those wafers are no good. Why don't they have cookies?'

"Repent! The Venga bus is coming!"

"Sinead?!"

Clerical Training Course - 'Gentlemen, we are here to practise what we preach.'

Churchwarden Talking to Rector

Vicar absent from church due to car boot sale.

"I've been trying to apply that 'forgive and forget' principle..."

Our busy Sundays are Christmas, Easter and hurricane season.

'To everything there is a season; a time to cut, and a time to paste...'

'Oh, oh! They're going to give it to us with both barrels!'

"I meant 'go and make disciples' after the sermon, Bob."

'Only way I can get people in on a Sunday.'

"So, when will you start telling us about good vs bad cholesterol?"

'I'm not going to bore you with a long sermon to-day - here's one I recorded earlier...'

"I stopped believing in free will when I had my lawyer write mine."

"Oh, hi Pastor, I figured I didn't need to go to church - I ALREADY felt guilty."

Are you sure you know what you're doing?

"It's not that we consider ourselves holier than others just because we choose to sit in the front row."

'More options!'

"Gas prices have forced the pastor to economize."

"I don't know how he does it. He preaches entire sermons without using the words like, cool or awesome."

Church sign.