Vampire Humorist Pillows

'I agree O-positive is rather nice, but my favourite by far is AB-negative...'

"First we find the bedbugs, Ma'am, then we drive tiny stakes through their wee black hearts."

Zombie standup

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

"Gee, thanks pal."

One vampire tricks another behind a mirror.

Surfer Blowing Back His Hair.

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

"Yeah, I'm moonlighting. It's a living."

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

Comicron

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

'I don't think the employees like me.'

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

Dracula acquires a taste for maple syrup.

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

Dr. Frankenstein creates his newest monster, Frankenmime.

"I'm starting my own movement—Occupy Fifty-Seventh Street."

"I swear, Mr. Drumpf, I meant it in the best sense of the word." "Mr. Drumpf is a moron."

Looks Like They're Finally Renovating The Toilet

"I'd like to buy a BOWEL."

'Transylvania's most famous Optometrist 'Count Mracula'.'

German School

INSTANT GREY HAIR TREATMENT.

"Johnson, you're new here, right? Mind if I pick your brain?"

"Well, sir, it looks like things are getting pretty serious for Peter and Pauline."

Bank P45's - 'Cashier number 5 please.'

"What are you doing?"

'It's a little varietal I bottle myself...Type A positive.'