Vagabond Gifts

"I like to think of myself as a free-range human being."

"First Lady Lettuce goes missing, then Colonel Crouton followed by Reginald Radish... Great Caesar's Ghost! Someone is making a salad!"

'They say you have to drink 4 times as much merlot as pinot noir to get the same level of anti-oxidants. Isn't that just too, too bad?'

"That's my dad back when he was, like, militarized."

Mediterranean Martini

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

Odds 'n Ends/Odd 'n's

"You know, Larry, you really don't have to carry that thing around to tell "knock-knock" jokes."

'The brochure says their wines are distinctive. I think I know why.'

"Woulda looked cool with a beer in his hand, though." Michelangelo's cousin, Michelobelo

Poet's Corner

'Seriously, Earl, if you say you've got a bone to pick with me one more time, I'm out of here.'

Great Urban Sprawl

"This jury finds the accused not guilty provided he tells us where he has hidden the money."

How's the writer's block?

"It's from my Swiss account."

'OK, who's that at the back not clowning around?'

"We were already in this room—I remember that hideous Renoir."

#Elfies

Man and dog both have leashes.

'No wonder they call themselves Miracle Vineyards. The label says this red is 50 Merlot, 50 Cabernet and 50 Sangiovese.'

"Oh my god! I'm not wearing clean underwear."

'I think of my 'bald-patch' as a solar panel for a sex-machine!'

"Nice hairball ringtone!"

'Looks like somebody woke up on the wrong side of the street this morning.'

Old war hero rejects mosquito sprays at his peril

'He's furious. We hung his painting upside down.'

'Some gagwriter you turned out to be!'

"Look at this painting for thirteen seconds. Squint your eyes meaningfully at the bottom left corner. Then lean forward and look at the little white square, nodding as you stare."

"You won't believe the odds they're laying for us finding him Guilty!"

"He's not one of my favorites."

"Do we want the label, too?"