University Insider Gifts

'We're promoting you to Full Professor, Ferguson -- Here are your elbow patches!:'

'They offered a compromise - it's sort of tenure, but I still have have to teach freshman English.'

'Perhaps our entrant's exam is too tough.'

"Even though it's an honorary degree, we have to bill you for 4 years of tuition."

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

Molecular Biology and Cosmology buildings

"National security adviser"

Lesser known greek gods,

"Sorry, kid. No off-campus drinking until you're twenty-one."

'Sorry, Marx, but your writing ability doesn't meet our needs.'

"Hold everything! I just thought up a terrific loophole!"

'We had to donwsize.'

"You played yourself in your last picture. Everyone found it unconvincing."

"Son, you're old enough now to learn about something we call 'compliance'...."

'It's a brand new state-of-the-art waiting room.'

The Incredible Telly Presenter's Journey.

'I know the Oval Office is in the West Wing. I wonder what mischief goes on in the East Wing?'

'...then I got my masters in psychology, and a year later I earned my Ph.D. in sociology. By the time I get my master in math and my doctorate in history, I'll be ready to retire.'

'As a career goal, I'd like to work in government, get the goods on someone, and write a tell-all book.'

"Surprisingly, it's not in reverse order."

"That's not how I had hoped they would promote my novel."

"You know how to whistle don't you Steve, you just put your lips together and blow. . . but I wouldn't recommend it."

"Great work on the annual report, John. It's fact-driven, yet delightfully unencumbered by reality!"

'I'm afraid we only publish A list celebrity cookbooks.'

'I'm not interested in what the paper is about, Dr Jones, I just want you to put me on the authors' list...'

'Frankly, I don't know if I feel like having a cup of coffee or trying to misappropriate some funds.'

"Creative, imaginative, and fierce-these are just a few of the words that I'm reading off the teleprompter."

"Don't peddle your new book until the seminar's over."

We learnt the art on Top of the Pops.

'I'm your husband. Surely you can tell me how many copies your book sold.'

The institute.

"The safest way back into the charts is a dramatic death after a party with girls, booze, and drugs!"

"Don't we thing Arlene would make a perfect Medea?"

'Offshoring is the future and I'm afraid we've founds a lawyer in Mumbai whose 46% better at being you for half the cost.'