University Evaluation Gifts

'This is the time when the University started to rank our research by the number of publications, not the quality of the publications...'

"Do you want to play doctorate?"

"If i were to kiss you then there is a 17% probability that we might get married and that has a 24% likelihood that we'd have children with a 34% change of divorce...I'm not sure I can risk it."

"Let me put it this way: I'm hitting 'Unlike' and 'Unhire.'"

"Compare Calculate Contrast Before you make a move"

'I think the professor is trying out the theory of relativity... trying to make time fly!'

'No, no, no, Tompkins! We decided to make today Causal Friday, not Casual Friday!'

"I'm getting tired of telling you you can't have a raise!"

"Professor Van Winkle, the university has instituted Reevaluation of Tenure, time to wake up."

You got into the college of my choice, and I got into the college of your choice. Now if we could just work something out...

Time, Temp, Today's Neutrino Mass

"I will refute my wife's allegations that I'm a work obsessed pedant with the aid of a slideshow presentation."

"Millstone is not yet a full professor."

'You get paid for what you produce at work not what you produce at home.'

'I can show you in our panic room while you're waiting to see the boss.'

"You've screwed up, messed up and played up. I didn't realise you were so multi-skilled."

'Treat me easy this morning.'

Jeff hated performance reviews.

Cash For Places - Penbroke College

"I see that grading papers for the teacher is going to your head."

"This looks cool, Mum, a university offering a degree course in Greed."

Sex Score

'We first met here - when I was doing your job.'

Grading Guidelines.

It had nil nil written all over it! - Oxford Utd FC v Cambridge Utd FC on University Challenge.

"Has it been in your family long?"

"Phil's a living legend on this campus. His last grant proposal won a Pulitzer."

"Done with the evaluations? Great! Now let's evaluate the evaluations!"

'If we could just get rid of a few of these lecturers and students, we'd have a great university on our hands.'

"Maybe we should go back to requiring standardized tests."

Harvard Waiting List

'Your performance review is in...and it's not good.'

'I had my accounting department run a cost-benefit analysis on you and I have some bad news.'

"It's our first anniversary, so I've written up your performance review...."

'I think we've found your problem. It's a Yale lock, but you have a Harvard key.'