Universal Humorist Gifts

Maybe the economy just looks like it's shrinking because the universe is expanding!

When Meteors Come Close to Earth.

Science fiction fans on other planets

"You're going to hate yourself."

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

A Copy Editor and His Dog

Football Chameleon

"After the drugstore, I need you to find fresh parmesan."

A man sees Zeus throwing lightning bolts on the balcony of his apartment.

"The Eggsorcist"

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

"Don't worry, Miss. I'll soon get the hang of it."

'It's not as easy as you think - saddle sores, bursitis in the shoulder, pigeons...'

"This is all we have available. It has an accordian front door, a shelf, a phone, and a spectacular view."

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The mysterious ancient stone figures of Keister Island.

'When we all get together, we sure are vulgar.'

Champagne at the hunt

No, that's "Virginia Wolf" with one "o."

Vegan Restaurant: ''amburgers! Sausages! RISSOLES!'

"Monsieur has just ordered a vasectomy..."

"We don't have knock-knock jokes on Christmas."

"It's not my fault - how was I to know you'd look scary with your clothes off?"

"So, Owen tells me you guys met in art school."

Artist uses connect-the-dots canvas to paint nude model.

"A man threatens to destroy town with army of turtles after dispute with city hall. Local authorities initiate a shell-ter in place in preparation for the noc-turtle invasion."

'..and one for the pot.'

Nude conductor of Orchestra conducting 'The full Monte-verdi'

Time Travelers from the 21st Century.

"Do you think those clams we ate were a little off?"

Murphy bed...Murphy.

'You got much on at the moment?'; 'No, nothing really.' (Naked man)

"Gracie, you're a good mud artist."

"You know, crime doesn't pay... at least at your level."

'My 434 novels are very similar to Terry Pratchetts apart from the fact that they've never been published.'