Unique Dining Gifts

At home with the leeches: 'No, you can't have a Quorn tartlet - just drink your blood and be quiet!'

Roadkill Restaurant

"You'll like this place. The food is eclectic without being schizophrenic."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"This place is one of New York's best-kept secrets."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

La Table

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

Restaurant Francais: All you can pronounce £30.

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

Cut out and keep your own Christmas Caterer.

'Eight years old, huh? If it's so good, why didn't somebody drink it eight years ago?'

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

"Compliments to the chef! Pass it on."

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'

"I cook the sausages in French mineral water, I wear a French beret and I can call you 'Monsieur'."

"Everything taste so divinely artisanal."

"I come here for the pepper."

"Is the MSG local?"

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Which wine would you pair with the complimentary bread and butter?"

Hamish Harris. The boy bon vivant.

Gaston's Gourmet Truckstop

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

Dog Dressed to Eat

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

'Your stab at ordering the wine in French went well.'

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'