Unintentional Comic Pillows

"See? I told you changing his food would be traumatizing."

'Maybe it should be funnier...'

"They're friendly, but they're also carnivorous, so remember that when you're called on to beg and roll over."

"Honestly, I didn't know your wife was in the shower."

'We're a non-profit organisation. We didn't plan it that way, but that's how it worked out.'

The circus diver.

Improve your leaping ability or your money back.

' I think I'm evolving due to global warming.'

"The key is to keep the momentum going when you're establishing the base of the snowman..."

'There's nothing good to eat!'

'Huge waves, loose shorts and a body like a gourd. I was never going to make it through summer without a serious privacy breach.'

"I blacked out for ten minutes this morning - Then I realised I had put my hoodie on backwards."

'Constant euphoria is bound to cause some issues.'

'Buddy, I'll get stinking rich... yesterday, I took out an insurance against pneumonia!'

'You wish, Timmy.'

'One thing you can say about Joe, he knows when to stop!'

'I seem to be very conservative but secretly, I'm a rebel - I don't wear pants.'

'I've done the washing up - Do we have any glue?'

'He's our Spam expert!'

'Holy shit!'

"Now what did I do?"

10 items or less queue. (Woman has thrown eggs onto floor).

"Unexpected Spanish Inquisition in bagging area ..."

"We're insectivores. Spiders are arachnids. We don't eat them, and that's that."

Starbucks closing 600 stores with 12,000 job cuts.

Two hunters and a near miss

"I'm brambling. It's like rambling but much more dangerous."

Man wearing 'Save the planet t shirt' uses non-environmentally friendly carrier bags,

Rise and shine

The best place for a dartboard is not beside an open window.

'Your tonsils don't look good, but that's okay. Who's going to be looking at them?'

'It was a little muffled, but it sounded like, ‘Back off, moron, she's taken.'

'You feel boxed in?'

"I'm still an atheist."