Unintentional Humorist Pillows

'There's nothing good to eat!'

Ethics exam cheater.

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"The following program was made possible by fluctuations in the random chaos of the Universe...."

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

Science fiction fans on other planets

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

'The stage hypnotist was great, he regressed Jeff to a previous life, and discovered that he was a layabout then, too.'

"She's a dachshund-lemming mix."

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

'We're a non-profit organisation. We didn't plan it that way, but that's how it worked out.'

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"Are you the one they call El Cóndor?"

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

'...Plus $847.93 for replacing our front door....'

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

"I've come to stage in my life-cycle where just landing on stuff isn't good enough anymore."

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

'I believe there's an unseen hand behind everything we do.'

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

"Well I got a dog because I wanted to spend more time brushing hair off my clothes, and picking up poop."

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

'How much are your upside-down cakes? 99p.'

Paunch and Judy.

'We can't serve you the businessman's lunch because you don't look the business type.'

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.