Undercover Football Critic Pillows

"Wait, all the screaming, and cheering, and swearing – you've been faking liking football the whole time?"

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

Raheem Sterling

Gold Medal for IOC boss Thomas Bach in the discipline of Brown-Nosing-Dictators-For-Money.

'Wait! Let's see if he gets up on his own.'

Maybe we should stop calling it 'The Masters.'

"Well I didn't see the incident myself.."

'Call 911! He watched 12 straight hours of football without training adequately.'

'Double Dannys': Danny Baker and Danny Kelly.

"Remember—we're not Eagles fans or Patriots fans. We're Tom Brady Somehow Gets Humiliated fans."

The first 10,000 fans got a concussion bobblehead!

Red State Football

'The centre-forward wins a foul!'

'That's not what is meant by a free kick.'

'What the... Oh, lucky me - it's just something easy to get rid of!'

'My dad's a soccer announcer.'

Free Speech has heavy price.

'Remember young brave to always face evil without fear...To have our tribe on foam and underwear!'

'He must be serious,mum - he's taking me out again tomorrow and there's football on television.'

'I don't want to mention any names, but one of you isn't giving 100% out there.'

Undercover Agent

World Cup. Half Empty.

Match Fixing in Malaysia

"..common sense has prevailed, Michael Owen's agent has let the referee off with just a severe warning."

'We're sending you down, Hartnett. You need to work on your scratching and spitting.'

'You may be wondering what a sex scandal has to do with managing the national team...'

"No thanks. I'm not interested in being the, 'official prophet of the NFL.'"

Doping

'But I don't mean to bite people...they just get caught in my teeth.'

'I'm sorry but the manager doesn't like me taking calls at work!'

"Eh? What? Eh? I'm sorry, I dozed off during all that cross-field and back passing."

If at first you don't succeed, deflate the football.

'They call me 'ka-ching'...I'm the go-to cash player.'

Footballers - Jamie Redknapp

Brazil vs Germany