Undead Lifestyle Observer Pillows

"It's such a beautiful day. Why don't we go out and get someone to eat?"

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

'This country is on the road to ruin.' - 'Well, it'll never get there in this traffic.'

"My monthly screen time went up from 62 hours to ‘Holy #@!*’."

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

Proud of herself for "never owning a tv" Emily watches eight episodes of a mediocre tv show on her laptop while in bed.

Pull my finger! Zombie Humor.

"I now pronounce you man and couch."

"This afternoon, we'll be turning our attention to Guess jeans."

'...Please stop the...'

"Of course, the actual honey is all made overseas."

Fire hydrant with regular or sparkling water

"No, it's not codependency. The neediness is just in one direction."

"Beats me how pregnancy has survived into the modern era. There's no reception desk, product guarantee nor customer service department!"

"He was much more effective in the field."

"Closing averages on the human scene were mixed today. Brotherly love was down two points, while enlightened self-interest gained a half. Vanity showed no movement, and guarded optimism slipped a point in sluggish trading. Over all, the status quo remained unchanged."

"Photo safaris are not what they used to be: They seem more interested in taking selfies than photos of us these days..."

"And the tech guy said not to worry if I lost my phone. There's an app for that..."

All You Can Tweet Restaurant.

Man behind stage to lady about professor with person under podium: 'That's Professor Allen's understudy.'

"Your sister got another promotion."

'I need to buy some gas, but I forgot my wallet. Do you have $18,000 on you?'

"It was a scary few minutes but now I'm making a fortune as a motivation speaker."

I have a video phone and I'm not afraid to use it.

Old Yarns

"I know there are people who look like their pets, but..."

"Someone just pinched my mobile phone"

"Please help! God struck me blind for not giving to a blind beggar."

"Keep an eye on Old Bound Volume of Harpers. He's on the make."

"Better idea! Let's obstruct traffic in the guy's neighborhood and make his morning commute difficult!"

"Life’s become pretty easy lately. Perhaps it’s time we shake things up by adding a dependent."

Chair massages.

"Auto reply: I am dead and will have limited access to e-mail."

Blogging Shoes

Wendel maps his trip to the germaphobe society headquarters.