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Waking the Dead.

'If real hospitals were like TV hospitals, we'd all have genital warts.'

Mike (The Situation) is rumored to have written the original manuscript for his best-selling memoir entirely out of bronzer.

"They've remained remarkably faithful to the text."

'Gosh, really? You've never been on any reality show at all?'

I understand that our cat Magus died. I miss her a lot. But I wish my parents wouldn't tiptoe around it. House of Java.net Cybercafe. You don't have to watch Youtube clips of CSI: Miami to understand that death is a part of life. The thing I don't understand about our cat's death is, who would've killed her and left a mountain of unresolved clues that only a crack forensics team can figure out? Where were you at 8:45 p.m.? The Youtube Generation grows up fast.

'After giving a recorded statement to these people, being grilled by 60 Minutes would seem like a piece of cake.'

Succession 2

Coming up: Bush and Kerry will debate on 'saturday night live'...and whoever gets the most laughs will be the winner.'

"If you're such a great Doctor, how come you're not on Chicargo hope or ER?"

"How come there's no feel-good performance art?"

"First, the disclaimer: I'm a doctor portraying an actor portraying a doctor."

'Time for my favorite soap opera, Nine Lives to Live.'

"Agenda item 14 C, does anyone have any idea what happened in Game of Thrones?"

"Dad, will you play judge and tell me if Raymond or Joey is the father of my baby doll?"

Expanded Limited Investigation

"Bah! in my day bands knew how to play their computers properly. Like Kraftwerk"

The Goethe Life.

'So, what's it gonna be? Are we gonna watch a good cop show tonight, or a bad cop show?'

"You've got to move. The bed is needed for another TV drama."

'Big-time operators are standing by....'

"What am I doing? Just sitting here binge binging."

Gillian Leigh Anderson

Leonard Nimoy

"Guess who's going to be on national television apologizing to the American public."

Clownton Abbey

'He's the star of a new medical series.'

Waiting For Superman

'I wasn't going to destroy their country until they introduced me to the cast of 'Jersey Shore'.'

Pop star weather report.

"To invest or not to invest. That is the question."

'He must be serious,mum - he's taking me out again tomorrow and there's football on television.'

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

Gloria wants us to go on the "Dr. Phil" tv show for relationship counseling. I know he would side with her, so I said the only way I would go on is if he agrees to call me "Mr. Lance."

"I'm a TV producer. I can get you on one of those fake judge programs, and you'll both become famous."