Trust Issues Humorists Gifts

'Actually, he hates having a beard †he just doesn't trust anybody to shave him.'

"Suddenly I'm feeling paranoid about all the notes you're taking."

Computer tech support sacred offering

In Case of Emergency - Break Glass and take a BIG SWIG!

Vulture waiting outside a failing business.

"So is there anything apart from us stopping being 'a bunch of cynical dishonest lying hypocrites' that would help us secure your vote?"

"Inside I'm a crying hyena."

It went out. The program must have crashed.

'You've got to help me, Doc -- I keep switching long-distance companies!'

"My research on the effects of total inactivity in humans is nearing a breakthrough. Just one more 5-year grant should do it."

'He broke his wrist trying to open his medicine.'

"Working late, my foot! You reek of pollen!"

'Bascombe has put all his mutual fund assets into a blind trust, but it was set up so well he can't even locate it.'

'Every time I get paid my creditors form a flash mob.'

Bankruptcy court

'Tell them that, by funding our project, they agree the universe must be expanding, and that, as it expands, so must our budget!'

'Great news! Our credit card limit has been raised enough for us to pay off our bankruptcy lawyer!'

Sue the Author: 1pm-3pm

'...Or, if you're on a budget, there's always the La Brea tar pits.'

"What's the point of being your sidekick if the courts won't recognize it?"

"I broke up with him! I couldn't trust him anymore: I kept finding ginger hair in his hairballs. . ."

'Wait, I have a coupon for $500,000 off that hammer.'

You have back-breaking syndrome. Throw away your credit cards, refinance your mortgage and switch the kids out of private schools into public schools.

'To bowl, perchance to dream....'

Yeah, Fred's a real credit to the human race. He owes everyone.

Read the small print Guv - 'Press in every room', not 'trouser press in every room.'

'I asked Tom to stop and pick up some chicken stock - he came home with 5,000 shares of Tyson.'

Just do your job, and stop worring about low bidders

All the Kings Horses and All the Kings Men

'Deep down, I don't think I'm ready.'

'I can't afford em - Will you kill me?'

'You don't have to pay me yet.'

I.R.S. - Looters will be hired.

"Teacher says he has to use his own money to buy supplies. Can I help him out by dropping out of school?"

'I saved myself a fortune, by acting as my own defence lawyer.'