True Crime Gifts

"Do you have another card? This one's been reported stolen."

"Anything you say can be used in a very exciting new true-crime podcast we're working on."

"Just ignore the bad spelling. You'll get us all accused of discriminating against people with learning disabilities."

'If I take out this policy on my wife and she dies tomorrow, what do I get?' - 'Life imprisonment.'

"Do you have any true-crime podcasts?"

"We can't go back to my place the cops are digging up the basement."

"Here's a song I wrote about a guy who gets falsely accused of trying to rob a liquor store."

"The killer had to be a man. Not only is the knife still bloody—it wasn't even put in the sink."

OK! I promise that the questions will be easy!

"You look nothing like you did through the peephole."

"If you can keep a secret, I'll tell you how my husband died."

'Okay, sir, can you identify the spam?'

"Pay no attention to Brian, he's always playing the victim."

'If you can't distinguish right from wrong, you have no business being the head of a crime family.'

"From the violent nature of the multiple stab wounds, I'd say the victim was probably a consultant."

"So where's the good cop?"

'We'll ask you one more time. What did you do with the body?'

'Seriously, not a single fingerprint?!'

'I'll have the number three.'

'I can only think Derren Brown made me do it.'

"Where were you five minutes ago when someone was stealing my getaway car?"

"Just tell us what we want to know, and you can sit in the comfortable chair."

Boy Requesting Illustrated Newspaper with a Murder in it

'...then one day it hit me. Why spend your whole life worrying about identity theft?'

"Longtime listeners, first-time callers."

"Shishito peppers really are everywhere now."

"We searched the entire apartment – the four walk-in closets, the decorator powder room, the sunny eat-in kitchen, the whirlpool bath, the room-sized entry gallery – but he must have gone out through the leaded floor-to-ceiling windows onto the sundeck and escaped through the state-of-the-art fitness center."

'I have been thinking, Horace, of becoming a widow.'

Man on left - 'Turns out your boss IS the one who...' Man on right - 'WHOA, not in here man! These walls have ears.'

"Any ID aside from dental records?"

"I worked hard, I played hard and I embezzled hard."

"I felt endangered."

'Gee... Nothing says 'I'm dead' like a severed head.'

'We made it! We're on the most wanted list!'

'It's a ransom note from the intruder - and look, he drew a cute little Snoopy cartoon.'