True Crime Pillows

"Do you have another card? This one's been reported stolen."

"Anything you say can be used in a very exciting new true-crime podcast we're working on."

"Just ignore the bad spelling. You'll get us all accused of discriminating against people with learning disabilities."

'If I take out this policy on my wife and she dies tomorrow, what do I get?' - 'Life imprisonment.'

"We can't go back to my place the cops are digging up the basement."

"Do you have any true-crime podcasts?"

"Here's a song I wrote about a guy who gets falsely accused of trying to rob a liquor store."

"Pay no attention to Brian, he's always playing the victim."

"You look nothing like you did through the peephole."

"The killer had to be a man. Not only is the knife still bloody—it wasn't even put in the sink."

OK! I promise that the questions will be easy!

"If you can keep a secret, I'll tell you how my husband died."

'Okay, sir, can you identify the spam?'

"Just tell us what we want to know, and you can sit in the comfortable chair."

'Maybe you can find your mugger in this book of mug shots, or as we call it, 'Criminal Facebook.''

'I can only think Derren Brown made me do it.'

'We'll ask you one more time. What did you do with the body?'

"Where were you five minutes ago when someone was stealing my getaway car?"

Boy Requesting Illustrated Newspaper with a Murder in it

'Seriously, not a single fingerprint?!'

"So where's the good cop?"

'...then one day it hit me. Why spend your whole life worrying about identity theft?'

"From the violent nature of the multiple stab wounds, I'd say the victim was probably a consultant."

'I'll have the number three.'

'If you can't distinguish right from wrong, you have no business being the head of a crime family.'

'Jack the Ripper as a child.'

"We searched the entire apartment – the four walk-in closets, the decorator powder room, the sunny eat-in kitchen, the whirlpool bath, the room-sized entry gallery – but he must have gone out through the leaded floor-to-ceiling windows onto the sundeck and escaped through the state-of-the-art fitness center."

'I have been thinking, Horace, of becoming a widow.'

'We made it! We're on the most wanted list!'

'No I'm sorry madam, this is the celebrity murder squad'.

'Kerrigan, see what you can get out of these witnesses.'

'Hi, Honey, I'm homicide...'

'It's easy. As my old English teacher used to say, just write what you know.'

Escaped criminal says: 'I used to live in a gated community, but it wasn't for me.'

"Hey neighbour - you do know the bin-bags go out on Thursday...??"