Trouble Philosopher Gifts

'You're lucky. At least you know your troubles aren't psychosomatic!'

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

Pigeon Little

'If, as you say, they're so evolved, why do they need to wear clothes to survive?'

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

Reverse psychology

"I'm sorry, but you didn't recognize me as the Messiah when I had braces and glasses."

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

"I won't have anything to worry about when I grow up."

Yeah, well, I only failed my logic exam because I'm a Pisces and my professor's a Leo.

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

Jeffrey's Time Machine: '...I want to go back and see what the world was like when people weren't so stupid and annoying!'

'He needs professional HELP!'

'He's studying to go to university' - Student reading book; 'HOW TO LIVE ON NO MONEY'

'Don't Move!' - 'Why would I want to move? Lived here for 51 years, know all the neighbours, shops nearby, post office is closed but...'

"It's chic to be vulnerable."

School of hard knocks: Mail box 'Knock-knock jokes'

"The gods aren't angry, Tara. They're just hurt and disappointed."

"Is it always so cloudy?"

The existentialist manifesto according to Jean-Paul Sinatra-'oooby Dooby Doo!'

'Did you ever wonder why iced coffee is goof but cold coffee isn't? . . . You're not curious like I am.'

A problem is opportunity in working clothes.

"Now they're saying 80 is the new 70. So, when's the new dead?"

"It Works For Us."

"I refuse to go down with the ship."

"After the Great Seagull Reincarnation, we'll spend eternity stealing sandwiches and defecating as we please."

"Rats, the peace-talks are progressing well and they're pushing for a cease-fire: better make the most of it while we can..."

Two men fight with Law and Order signs.

The end is near.

"Listen up - today is the first day in the rest of the coronavirus crisis!"

William would often take long walks along the beach, seeking inspiration for his next timesheet.

Phrenology - Braille Edition.

"My mum always said life is like a tin of cat food. You never know what you're gonna get..."

I lactate, therefore I am.

"No thanks, I'm vegetarian."