Trash Connoisseur Pillows

"Don't be late - I'm making moldy meat and orange peels over coffee grinds with a side of egg shells."

College kid rakes up his clothes on the floor in messy dorm room

"My online account predicts the things I should own, then buys them with my credit card. It�s very convenient, but I do now need to move to a larger house."

"It's too late for Jim. The tchotchkes have him now."

Bob’s Museum

"I thought I was a hoarder, but it turns out I'm a prepper."

"All my stuff is 'Rosebud'."

'I agree. You should definitely increase your refresh rate!'

"What the heck did I do with that leftover turkey?!"

'There are two color schemes: dark ones that attract light dirt, and light ones that attract dark dirt.'

"I'll wear any kind of dirt, but I prefer a rich loam with lots of humus."

'That stuff kills 98% of household germs, but leaves the remaining 2% limping around enough to maintain your resistance.'

'Look! It's Trendy Vineyards' Merlot Window Cleaner! Streak-free cleaning, because it's 50 proof!'

"You've opened my eyes to the most disgusting worldly delights."

'The Anal Retentive Astronaut.' 'Just LOOK at all this DUST!'

A catch-all is born.

'I leave it this way, because leaving it this way is a labor-saving device.'

"Armstrong, why do we have Fourth of July decorations up? It's months away." "Exactly." "A true patriot loves his country regardless of the date." "A true patriot celebrates the founding of our corporatocracy every single day of the year, minion." "Some of the decorations are smeared with coffee grounds and banana peels." "A true patriot knows that one cafe's dumpster is another cafe's treasure."

"Just between you and me, he was a road kill."

"I'm running a loose ship."

"Do you have any idea what it's like to be underappreciated by your boss?"

'I see the Maids have been in!'

'Bill remembers where he was everybody died.'

Junior's Towel

'How about if we choose teams based on who has the coolest stamp collection.'

'Now we come to what it would have been worth'

Laundromat: Bulletin Board - Have you seen this sock?

"I've been thinking it over, Tom, and I've concluded that there's no room in this family for two people."

'I'm taking the leftovers home, so suggest something my dog will enjoy.'

' I hear she was quite the collector...'