Training And Development Gifts

"'CPD'...stuff and nonsense, the old ways are fine for me, now pass me a hammer. I need to put this patient out!"

LISTEN AND LEARN: "Are you sure he's listening to module 3 of 'coping with change'?"

"Can you come back with that three year study summarised in six or less powerpoint bulletpoints?"

"You think you can? Think again, mister. You know you can. Got that?"

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Maybe we should have gone for a pommel horse.'

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

Brian was very proud of his dog.

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

I'm going to practice on you before I start managing other people.

Overjumpers

"There's really not much to obedience school. Just listen up and do what they say."

'Not that sort of body building program!'

"I bet you're curious about what's going on in the R&D Department."

'Believe me, I know transformation isn't easy. I pulled a muscle once.'

"The desktop skills test was a little worrying,56% couldn't manage 'Word' 75% were confused by 'Excel' and 43% wanted to know what channel 'Eastenders' was on."

'One of the new targets is targeting which targets we're meant to target.'

'As it's your first day we're going to start you on something easy.'

'She hasn't advanced to figure eights yet.'

Man practising karate is tempted by a glass of beer.

'Fetching is a good thing...but there can be TOO MUCH of a good thing.'

"Empty again? What's going on around here anyway?"

Dog tricks. 'He's doing it right now. Dudley dreams in Technocolor!'

Race track - with the race being to apply the white lines between lanes

"Shake! Good Dog."

"Remember Mr. Cockbundle is not just a 'customer', he is an important source of valuable and readily marketable data."

"They're friendly, but they're also carnivorous, so remember that when you're called on to beg and roll over."

"O.K. you're ready to go on to the less embarrassing weights."

"Good news...I found a doctor who says you can still play!"

"Look. They say sit, you sit. They say roll over, you roll over. Where's the prob?"

"The anger management consultant said he wasn't going to alter his **** dates at this t****stage which fits in with the 'managing change' consultant who said it was to late to change her plans..."

Keeping all the balls in the air - skills

Obedience School/Disobedience School.

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

Hanging off every word...