Traditionalist Humor Gifts

Enough with the e-readers. Blasphemer! Ooh, I can carry 1,000 books at one time. Ooh, I can download books in an instant. Ohh, I can check out the first chapter without buying. But … But you can't see the cover of the book. There is no cover. So? How can I judge a book reader without seeing their cover?! Fair. Disturbing. But fair.

Alpine Pipe

Palms. When fully grown that species will provide some nice shade in your your yard. Fronds with benefits.

"There Adam. Isn't that a lot more comfortable than that silly little fig leaf?"

Joe had kept the same suit for thirty-five years!

History of Cartooning.

Commando crashes into wall, instead of through window.

'That's a tough question. I suppose I should be served with a dry red.'

Technical Terms Explained: Suckers.

Cover story: Plant World.

'I was tired of my goaty, so I decided to grow a moustache...'

"Wow yes, it's a lovely garden, but I can only see flowers: not a carrot in sight..."

'Blue Fox to Swat Team: execute on my count of three and when officer O'Rourke has fastened his bootlace.'

'This is the Rabbi's favourite.'

"We can do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard way."

"This is all so ARBITRARY!"

"Sorry, kid, the nutrition nannies threatened to shut me down if I didn't change from chocolate to tofu Easter eggs."

"Aren't those dead flowers fake?"

'Roger that...I'm taking the first clean shot I can get.'

"I ate something that strongly disagreed with me!"

New Belief Systems

Frank Loved Bubblewrap

Three Circles of Gardener's Hell.

Baggage Claim: Anyone Who Knows How To Hot-Wire A Car.

An old man with bow legs

Monstrosa Impressus

Green Fingers.

Disappointed farmer hammers OUT OF ORDER sign into field of wilted crops.

Important dates in Latino history: Seven years ago, the empanada was invented.

"I'm not very tech-savvy. I only recently learned that 'call or click' doesn't involve castanets."

'She's stopped talking to me....She just yells that I have to grow...'

"And that's just the tip of the iceberg."

Prince Charles

"I'm old school. Instead of ranting on social media, I just scream in people's faces."

'Damocles, did I sit in the wrong chair?'