Toothpaste Tester Gifts

"I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. Here, try this."

'Your new teeth whitener is keeping me up.'

"Needs ketchup."

'One cavity in 10 visits.' 'No cavities and no visits.'

"Damn these super powers!"

' ... plus you need to floss better.'

"I used some of that striped toothpaste you suggested. Now I've got striped teeth."

Bad for you but to die for

It turns out they don't go together so well,

Harsh Mellows.

"Is Pinot Noir where you want to be?"

"Now, in contrast to the last olive oil you tasted, this one is infused with sixty-five more dollars."

And then in Italy. . . "But I really don't like bubblegum gelato."

"Your meal sounded nice."

Wine Tasting and Wine Guzzling

"I detect a subtle bouquet of money."

"For the first half hour, I was, like, really there. Enchanted. But I found the wild-quail confit so disappointing that not even the fig reduction on the poached pear could get me back."

Avocado Timeline

Real coffee vs usual vending machine stuff

'Apparently, my wine-tasting computer liked the '86 Haut Brion a bit too much - it didn't leave any for us.'

'I'm looking for a toothpaste that combats Tokyo, Kansas city and Suburban Portland along the gum line.'

'Why do my parents have to be professional chefs?!'

'I'd recommend the white wine.'

'...or, if you're watching your cholesterol, we also have thousand-year-old egg substitutes.'

Big Burgers.

'Here ya' go, sweetie. Our Key Lime Pie.'

'This sugar substitute is perfect except for one thing. It's salty.'

'Women cook to feed the soul...men cook to feed the ego.'

"Do you know our soup is world renowned?"

"I am listening to my body. My body says yuk!"

"It's all good – but some of it is better."

"Jeffrey eats everything, Mom, because no one has told him what he doesn't like."

"Robust, full-bodied bouquet with just a hint of bitter, mean-spirited despair."

'Let's see... how many squeezes did that commercial say to put on the brush?'

"Are you looking for 'drinks and nibbles' beer, 'I don't really drink beer' beer, or good old fashioned 'gidday mate' beer?"