Tire Shop Employee Gifts

"If you want to work here, you're going to have to dress in business-a-tire."

"Will you be taking these home or chewing them right here?"

"I'd like a new tire for my 1976 Chevy Chevette."

With the aid of a tactical dictionary, and was finally able to make sense of what the salesman was saying.

'Somebody keeps snapping all the stud boards in half. Anybody know anything about this?'

'They're bound to hurt at first.'

"'Thou shalt give good discounts'? That's a commandment?"

'For us, buying shoes is like buying one drink with two straws, hahaha!'

Auto Mechanic Birthdays

"The boss is mad at me. I did something really, really dumb today!"

'You'll find that these really let your feet breathe'

"Scan my own items, bag my own food? If I wanted to work here, I'd fill out an application!"

"In my experience, cars with hyphens in their names are the best."

Excess

"Just to be clear, you want suicide doors installed on your hearse?"

"What's wrong with you? This isn't what I want! Do you know what you're doing? Can you get me a smarter clerk?"

'Bananas! Once you've skinned them and removed the bone, there's nothing left.'

Grocery. I hope to work on the business side of TV and movies one day, so I've added "produce placement experience" to my resume. Thanks to everybody keeping stores open and stocked.

Sale today - 50% off everything!

You know retail is in a bad way when...

"Hey boss, what's the store motto this week; 'the customer's always right' or 'you can't please everyone?'"

"Listen, Baldo, I know what you're thinking...but as part of the management team, I can say with all confidence that your job is safe."

"They're a little tight."

'I'm sorry, we no longer accept cash for transactions.'

"Let me guess...you got a job here because you needed new parts for your lowrider project?"

"Any chance of some credit?"

"Finally! I got all my deliveries done on time! I also put all the oil cans on the oil can shelves! And I actually put batteries in the battery display!"

"Mr. Rod, we know what's happening...you're laying us all off."

'If you lose your electrical charge before you get to a recharge, you just wind this.'

'That's Jeb Lambert. He was actually the first one to say 'paper or plastic'. Before that everyone said 'plastic or paper'... I mean, can you imagine?'

Abuse or harassment of staff will not be tolerated

"Here's your receipt so you can bring it back when you remember how old you are."

'Fresh plumsprunes.'

"You never complain when the ball game goes into overtime!"

Lawn & Garden Supply. Sod. They're arguing over the last piece of sod we have in stock. I hate these turf battles.