Thrifty Drinker Pillows

Al's Bar, All You Can Drink $375.

"Is this to make me feel bad for not getting you that laptop?"

"They're on special offer so I got three times more than I could ever use for twice as much as I could afford!"

Happy Hour

"Ten Dollars?! I can't eat that." Bob was on a strict low-cost diet.

'Gimme a Canadian club on the rocks!'

"How about we settle your tab from the regular season?"

'So it's the Mumm's Cordon Rouge, '98 Pouilly-Fuisse, '86 Chateau Margaux, and the '92 Barsac - would you like any food?'

"Another flue shot, Larry.

'I've never opened her up on the highway, but I get great mileage in the city!'

"Quick, I need a drink. Someone just called me Ma'am."

'Would you care to see our wine list, water list, soda list, tea list, coffee list, single malt scotch list, or beer list?'

"In addition to the regular menu, today's specials are . . ."

'The King of what?'

"Scientists may need a trillion dollar atom smasher to explore the fundamental questions of the universe, but all you need is one too many."

'You raised the price of air to 50c!' 'Inflation.'

"Good evening, sir, may I see your drinking licence please?"

"I'm taking your advice and saving my money!"

"I don't know...seems like budget cuts have gone pretty far this year."

'Margaret, what are we doing on this cruise ship that we couldn't have done at home, cheaper?'

'What can you get with a quarter?'

Whiskey wars

'Phone for help? Are you mad? Have you any idea how much it costs to use a mobile abroad?'

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

Rabbit Punch

Things to do while you're stuck at home during the coronavirus crisis.

"Let's start with a couple of glasses of water and if that goes well I'll order two coffees."

'Withdrawal symptoms.'

"Years of penny-pinching really paid off. The price of copper just went up again."

The Bargain Brand

"Sad but true - my career ladder turned out to be a career footstool."

"We could have a Do-It-Yourself wedding! Your friends could do the cake and flowers, Uncle Jim could do the photos..."

"Why pay for a tree in November when you can get one off the side of the road in January for free?"