Thrifty Drinker Gifts

Al's Bar, All You Can Drink $375.

"Is this to make me feel bad for not getting you that laptop?"

'You wanna play another round?' 'Sure....tender, another round!'

"They're on special offer so I got three times more than I could ever use for twice as much as I could afford!"

Happy Hour

'Gimme a Canadian club on the rocks!'

"Ten Dollars?! I can't eat that." Bob was on a strict low-cost diet.

7 Dwarves of Retirement

"How about we settle your tab from the regular season?"

'I've never opened her up on the highway, but I get great mileage in the city!'

"Another flue shot, Larry.

'So it's the Mumm's Cordon Rouge, '98 Pouilly-Fuisse, '86 Chateau Margaux, and the '92 Barsac - would you like any food?'

'Would you care to see our wine list, water list, soda list, tea list, coffee list, single malt scotch list, or beer list?'

"Quick, I need a drink. Someone just called me Ma'am."

"Scientists may need a trillion dollar atom smasher to explore the fundamental questions of the universe, but all you need is one too many."

"In addition to the regular menu, today's specials are . . ."

'The King of what?'

Your energy bill is enclosed. You might want to sit down.

'You raised the price of air to 50c!' 'Inflation.'

"I don't know...seems like budget cuts have gone pretty far this year."

"Good evening, sir, may I see your drinking licence please?"

'Margaret, what are we doing on this cruise ship that we couldn't have done at home, cheaper?'

"I'm taking your advice and saving my money!"

'What can you get with a quarter?'

'Phone for help? Are you mad? Have you any idea how much it costs to use a mobile abroad?'

Whiskey wars

Things to do while you're stuck at home during the coronavirus crisis.

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

Rabbit Punch

"Let's start with a couple of glasses of water and if that goes well I'll order two coffees."

'Withdrawal symptoms.'

"Years of penny-pinching really paid off. The price of copper just went up again."

The Bargain Brand

"Why pay for a tree in November when you can get one off the side of the road in January for free?"

"Sad but true - my career ladder turned out to be a career footstool."