Therapy Skeptic Pillows

Low self esteem workshop - 'You missed it. It finished two hours ago, you useless pillock.'

2013: psychoanalysis is formally declared a scam.

"Gestalt therapy is not my bag."

'I'm not coming here again Doctor Melrose. I'd rather talk to my plants.'

A shrink charges $200 an hour, but double chocolate layer cake is only $19.95.

"Can we cut the 'touchy-feely' stuff, and just get to the happy pill."

"Sorry. No refunds."

Right now my brother Al is paying a psychiatrist a hundred bucks an hour to hear his troubles, while I'm drinking beer and telling you mine at happy hour prices. Obviously, Al IS the crazy one.

That was refreshing. My long, sad story? No, my nap.

"I found out what your problem is - you're allergic to shrinks."

Non-Invasive Psychiatry: No Probing Questions Asked

'I'm not paying $200 per hour for therapy, so you must be the one who's nuts.'

Therapy Group For Those Who Are Afraid of Therapy Groups

''Yeah right, as if I'd tell a man anything.''

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

Licensed Therapist

"I bought it off the therapist who's helping me kick my compulsive shopping disorder."

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

Support group therapy for male black widow spiders.

"I know it’s an issue, and we’re working on it in therapy."

"Postwar is hell."

Couples' therapy

'...and now, Gentlemen, we come to our final lecture in advanced cardiology...'

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

'Seriously, in this day and age, how can people still believe in this nonsense that we have evolved from microbes...?'

"I sometimes think you're the only one who listens to me."

'I haven't been able to come to grips with it. My hands are too small.'

"Oops! I just deleted all your files. Can you repeat everything you've ever told me?"

'We have three minutes left.'

"It's hard not to take a mutiny personally."

'I find that a live rhinoceros rather than an invisible elephant speeds things up considerably.'

'I get the feeling you're wagging your tale on the outside and crying on the inside.'

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

'Why can't they call it a deer, or a squirrel market?'

Shrinks in heaven