Therapy Session Veteran Gifts

'Well, John, in the past two years you've gone from being extremely depressed to being basically unhappy like the rest of us. My work here is done.'

'-and you hate sleeping alone-well,there's a coincidence!'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

"What do you want to talk about first...the kleptomania or the hoarding?"

"But if you cure my hypochondria I won't have any hobbies."

'I knew things were getting out of hand when I went from snips, to snails, to puppy dogs tails....'

"Yeah, you could say I've got mother issues....she told me I have to move out!"

"They retired me. Just like that. Seems I'm no good over 55 mph anymore." "How does that make you feel?" "Like I want to bash my head against a wall!"

My therapist says I should take up basket making as a pastime!

My therapist cured me of using humour as a defense...these days I pack a .45.

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

"Did you honestly expect our couples therapist to know when Jacoby Ellsbury will be off the disabled list?!"

Man on psychiatrist's couch: 'It was a cry for help, really - I tried to slash my wrists with rollerblades.'

"Hello Mum .. The Doc wants to know if I have difficulty making decisions. What do you think?"

"Adolescence can be a very trying time, Mr. Alcorn."

"Do you feel you were loved as a tadpole?"

"We never talk about anything. 'Me Tarzan, you Jane. Me Tarzan, you Jane.' That's all he ever says."

'I told you he had a temper.'

"I feel like we're finally making progress."

"Have you ever heard anyone yell 'EEEK! A psychiatrist!'?"

'I wouldn't worry about a poor sense of direction...'

A therapist laughing behind the back of his patient who is an upset looking clown.

'So, who's not a happy bunny?'

"Tell me..How do you feel about being abducted?"

'I can't even watch football on TV. When they go into a huddle I'm sure they're talking about me.'

Psychiatry. I know I've lost touch with reality, but in my defense, reality started it.

'My therapist cured me of using humour as a defence, these days I pack a .45.'

In a twist on "It's A Wonderful Life," sometimes I wonder what the world would have been like if I HAD existed.

'You seem pretty wound up today.'

The lineup for mental health services around the building.

'The only reason she keeps me is to rub out her bed wrinkles.'

"No, it's not a Rorscach test, it's a really nasty damp patch."

As an experienced counsellor, she could see that their relationship had been doomed from the start.

"I have a recurring dream that I have a recurring dream, but I can't remember what it is!"

"Have you tried jet skiing? - I've never seen an unhappy jet skier."