Therapy Session Survivor Gifts

"Sorry, I didn't realize you had a late session. Mind if I mop while you mope?"

My therapist cured me of using humour as a defense...these days I pack a .45.

"No, it's not a Rorscach test, it's a really nasty damp patch."

A therapist laughing behind the back of his patient who is an upset looking clown.

"I don't even have a relationship with a bank."

'My therapist cured me of using humour as a defence, these days I pack a .45.'

Learning to deal with road rage is really hard when the stupid therapist keeps cutting you off.

Patients competition.

"What do you want to talk about first...the kleptomania or the hoarding?"

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

"But if you cure my hypochondria I won't have any hobbies."

'I knew things were getting out of hand when I went from snips, to snails, to puppy dogs tails....'

"Yeah, you could say I've got mother issues....she told me I have to move out!"

'I was told you two have a love-hate relationship. Care to elaborate on that?'

Rita's PhD defense wasn't going well."

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

"Do you feel you were loved as a tadpole?"

"We never talk about anything. 'Me Tarzan, you Jane. Me Tarzan, you Jane.' That's all he ever says."

"Adolescence can be a very trying time, Mr. Alcorn."

'I told you he had a temper.'

'I wouldn't worry about a poor sense of direction...'

"What's wrong with you? This isn't what I want! Do you know what you're doing? Can you get me a smarter clerk?"

'So, who's not a happy bunny?'

"Tell me..How do you feel about being abducted?"

Psychiatry. I know I've lost touch with reality, but in my defense, reality started it.

'The only reason she keeps me is to rub out her bed wrinkles.'

'You seem pretty wound up today.'

'Do you ever communicate as a family by just speaking?'

'Well, John, in the past two years you've gone from being extremely depressed to being basically unhappy like the rest of us. My work here is done.'

'Are you having a mid-life crisis?', 'Let's hope so.'

"Your wife is here to shed some light on your version of the story."

As an experienced counsellor, she could see that their relationship had been doomed from the start.

"Listen, all I remember is that I blacked out right before saying anything incriminating."

'What I hate most is coming home and having all those damn Harleys parked in my driveway!'

"I have a recurring dream that I have a recurring dream, but I can't remember what it is!"